Telephone Disorder

The greatest mistake a parent can ever make (other than giving birth to a child in the first place) is to introduce it to the telephone. There's a saying that goes thus : "Parents spend the first three years of their child's life trying to get it to talk. And then spend the rest of their lifes trying to get it to stop talking!"
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not against telephones. Which other device enables you to wake some one up at three in the morning and ask him whether he was sleeping? There is simply no comparison of any other contemporary device with this boon.

I'm often disturbed by these instruments of communication. This morning for instance, I was engrossed deeply in thought, cleaning my ear with the end of my little finger in a sincere effort to come up with something funny to write in my blog. And I thought, "What better topic to write about than telephones!"
I was foraging about in my memory for a funny incident that had occurred with me, that involved telephones, all the while scratching furiously. And there it was : lying just next to the telephone, where I had least expected to find it. The earbud. This critical tool helped me clean my ear for better communication with any prospective callers.
So, there I was. Sitting patiently by the phone, waiting for a caller; maybe a person who dialled a wrong number and managed to get through to me. Just then, the phone rang.

Govindraj : Hello.

Caller : Hello. Is this the residence of Mr. Umarji?

G : Yes. This is Mr. Umarji speaking. And I'm speaking to? (Said in a very sweet voice. The caller was a female. There is this thing about females talking on the phone. All females sound GREAT on the phone. In real life however, they may be as dull as you are!)

C : I'm Laila. I'm calling you for a survey being conducted for the fertiliser industry.

G : Oh! So you are calling me because you know I'm an Environmental Engineer?

C : No, I'm calling you because I'm being paid Rs. 100 an hour to do so and you are on my list of numbers to be called and dealt with today. So, if you stop wasting my time, maybe we can get down to business.

At this point, I banged down the phone. I was hoping that the smashing of the phone would create a sonic wave that would travel through the phone line, erupting beside that female's ear, thereby deafening her. But then, as I realised later, she was probably deaf already. I hear the survey people are paid to be deaf to all those things that they don't want to hear.

Again, the bell rang. This time, bringing me out of my nose picking reverie.

G : Hello.
C : Mr. Umarji?
G : Who wants to know? (In an effort to be stylish)
C : I'm calling from Less Organised Sources of Entrepreneur Recruitment (LOSER) (Actually, I'm not sure if this was indeed what he said. It definitely sounded something similar.)
G : And you want to talk to me about?
C : It has been brought to our notice that you have a blog, which has its share of readers and we were wondering...
G : (Interrupting him) Oh! So, you want to recruit me as an Entrepreneur? Or a writer?
C : No. We want your permission to use your blog as a representative for our LOSERs, to show them how a blog should NOT be written.
BANG! (Sound of receiver on the hand set)

Third call. Third time lucky? I had certainly hoped so.

G : Yes? (Tired and resigned sounding)
C : I'm from the Community for the Protection and Upkeep of Harmless and Useful Telephone Receivers Against the Merciless Users of Telephone who have no regard for the Utility of the Phone and Keep on criticising it. (CPUHUTRAMUTUPK)
G : And you are calling for?
C: It has been brought to our notice that you have a tendency to bang down your phone receiver. This is intolerable. The next time you do that...
He was cut short by my banging down the receiver on him too.

You will probably say that some of the stuff written here has been made up in an effort to make the post funny. I have to accept that and divulge the truth. The name of the female who called me up for the fertiliser industry was Reema.

Tring... Tring...