Friday, December 30, 2005

Mood Indigo 05 Rocks!!!

In case you people are wondering why it is that after 5 continuous, hilarious posts I chose to be away for a few days, the answer to it lies in the title of this article. I was associated with the Nation's greatest, biggest, largest, bestest (if there is any such word) College Festival i.e. Mood Indigo at Indian Institute of Technology, Bombay. I spent four fantabulous days there. The atmosphere was simple mind-blowing, not to mention the sheer number of junta that turned up to attend this festival. IIT B was host to people in excess of 10^5 in the four days, a record of sorts, even by MI standards! The reason for that is obvious : Just have a look at the people who performed at MI 05.

Shaan, Vayu, Helga's Funk Castle, Sceptre, P. C. Sorcar Junior, Indian Ocean, Pt. Shiv Kumar Sharma, Pt. Ronu Mazumdar.

Added to this were zillions of other attractions, including competitions galore with lots of prizes to be won. And if you were not interested in the competitions, there were a lot many single females roaming around on the IIT B campus, a highly unusual sight that! I propose to write a lengthier article about it later. Currently, I am recovering from the after effects of partying hard!!!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Mumbai Schnorrer

Recently, I had the chance to see the life of a Mumbai schnorrer, up close and personal.

I know, I know. You people are probably wondering just what the heck a schnorrer is. You wouldn't have been wondering if you had paid proper attention in your Std. XII English class. Because I definitely recall having read that particular word in some nook or cranny of the textbook. For the uninitiated, it means beggar. And for the uninitiated, I would suggest the "Radgovin's Giant Book of Highly Important Sounding Words that actually accomplish Zilch in any Interesting Conversation and which find absolutely zero utility in daily talk." (RGBHISWZIC) I realise that the title is long and some people will have trouble reading the book. But then, that is the intention of the book anyway, to make people realise the futility of things such as education for speaking better. Their education has not armed them with words such as floccinaucinihilipilification (second longest word in english language, a bizarre word which means 'to regard something as worthless'.) That is why, you people are better off buying my book. Try speaking English to any of the new generation so-called "English Medium" school students and you will realise why you are better off buying my book.

Student 1 : "Arre, I often wonder where the water going when I am done flushing"
Student 2 : "What re? You don't even knowing this much? Tchah! Arre, it going in the pipe and then it coming out of the top of the pipe, and then rain falls"
S1 : "You saying that the toilet water coming down as rain?"
S2 : "You not know that already?"
S1 : "I think I am going to be sick!" (Throws up on S2)

Now "overhear" this conversation between two enlightened students whose parents had enough money to buy them my book (which costs as much as the Encyclopedia Brittanica and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy put together and is only slightly thicker than the Oxford English Dictionary)

Undergraduate 1 : (Notice the difference? They no longer call themselves students) "Arre, I often wonder where the aqua going when I am done flushing?" (Notice the improved punctuation. This is not due to my book, but I never miss a chance at taking credit, even if it's not due to me!)

Undergraduate 2 : "What re? You not even comprehending this much? Tchah! Arre, it entering the conduit and then coming out from top of channel, evaporating, and then rain falls"

UG1 : "Are you insinuating that rain coming from toilet water"
UG2 : "You floccinaucinihilipilificating toilet water?"
UG1 : "I think my oesophagus is going to discharge the contents of my stomach!"

In case you have not noticed already, the italicised words indicate the words the kids have learnt from my book. Actually, not all of them are from my book, but the kids have followed my advice of keeping a thesaurus handy. Anyway, this article was about a schnorrer. But I guess I will have to deal with that later. I have already started receiving phone calls for taking up tuition classes for English!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Moving around the House

I am alone in the house. And this is a time when the devil takes over, in keeping with the age old phrase "An empty mind is the devil's workshop". Hold on, I think I am confused. Is it that my mind is empty because the house is? Or is it that you need to have a name other than Govindraj Umarji to have brains that are actually capable of thinking up creative and constructive ideas other than wild and wacky ideas to kill bees? Really! That is what I am doing right now. There is this huge colony of bees right outside my house and they have a fatwa out for me, because as a kid I had destroyed what was probably their great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-granparents house. That was back in the early 80s, a peaceful time, when India was winning at cricket and the bees only had stings as a weapon and one ineffectual weapon it was; because it ended up killing them. The trendy, hip-hop bees these days have minor laser beams, which if all of them decide to use simultaneously could turn you from an organic being to organic carbon. And then "Ashes to ashes" would really and truly make sense. The ashes would probably move around in your "empty" house, as are the ashes of some other unlucky insects which chose to take on the bees.

To take my mind off the bee problem, I turn on the music system. I can hear George Michael croon away as I move around the house aimlessly. He's upset about having to be indoors all the time. He's singing "let's go Outside". He probably does not have bees lined up with their laser beams on the ready outside his house.

Bee Squadron Leader (Bhandup section) : "Men, have your weapons at the ready. We are going to nail him the moment he steps outside"

Let's go Outside, goes George again. If only he were in my place. I, on the other hand, have more important things on my mind. I am wondering what would happen if I were to burn the kitchen table under the bees' home.

"I think I'm done with the kitchen table, maybe" (This is George singing)

I desperately want to get rid of these bees once and for all. They are getting to be a real pain. They have not allowed me to step out of my house for more than seven years now. This is because it has only been seven years since they got those laser beams from Iraq. Or Afghanistan. I do not care where they got them from. Fact of the matter is that they have them and I am having to move around like a prisoner in my own home. By killing them, I think I will be serving the community because the world needs me to go out there to observe it's beauty and write about it.

"I'd service the community
But I already have you see" goes George Michael again.

Till now, I was able to voice my opinion about the world by listening to the radio and seeing television. However, nowadays, both these media have nothing else on the news than Saddam's trial, Ganguly's return to the Indian team and of course, the numerous sexual transgressions that seem to be plaguing the Indian BPO industry. But all that is of minor concern to me and of course to you faithful readers, who probably want me to step out of the house so that if the bees miss me, maybe the pollution will kill me. Or maybe a passing BEST bus driver would be considerate enough. I know people are just waiting out there to get me. I think it's the same people who gave the bees the lasers. George Michael is done singing. Pink Floyd comes on with High Hopes. The song's title exactly sums up my current plan to get rid of the bees. I think I am going to be inside for a while. At least till somebody uses a memory charm on the bees. Or the laser beams develop atrophy.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Seriousness and other Maladies

Of late, I have gotten into the habit of beginning my article with "Of late". And on a slightly serious note (as if that is possible with me), I have received threatening mails from many of my zany readers out there in readerland which claim that I am paying more attention to Ganguly's return to the Indian team than my own blog. I agree with them on this count, because that particular piece of news has had a traumatic effect on me. I am no longer the carefree person I used to be, a person who believed in the fairness of life (Alright, who am I kidding? I never believed in the "fairness" part, but I had thought that people will be intelligent enough to refrain from making similar mistakes!) I guess I was wrong about the people selecting the cricket team. And given all the serious stuff being pushed into our faces by all sorts of media these days, I am finding it extremely difficult to keep a smiling face. Imagine, me of all people having to sit with a smug face, because people find my other blog (I say "my" because it is maintained, after all, by my split personality) more interesting than this one!

I fail to understand why people like to read serious stuff anyway. And if you think people don't like to read serious stuff, I will suggest to you that you have the brains of a trout. Because nobody who has an IQ of greater than 50 (i.e. significantly greater than mine) will like to read articles about Somalian radio-active mosquitoes or about the life of Babas in India. They will probably like to read articles about sex. Now don't get me wrong here. I know the same people will also read articles about World Hunger, AIDS and SARS, but that does not necessarily mean that they refrain from the occasional pornography visual. And it is good in a way, because (and this is a fact) they are driving the internet economy. Really! The people paying the maximum bucks to ensure that deals done over the internet are safe are the people who host obscene and objectionable material! I have long maintained that sex is indeed the answer to the world's problems. If only we could stop being so seriously hypocritical about it. I mean, everybody does it, right from the birds and the bees up to the hippopotamus! The mujahideens and fiyadeens who carry out terrorist activities do so because they have the brains of a cockroach (IQ around 40) and also because they have been promised personal harems in jannat for carrying out the bidding of their "leaders". If their sexual desires are satiated right here on Earth, I don't think we will have another repeat of the 9/11.

But then, that is what a person of an IQ of 8 thinks (roughly 1 IQ unit per brain cell, down from 2 IQ units per brain cell pre-Iraq bombing). Sometimes I wonder if people do listen to what I have to say. They would if only they could take their eyes off the porn.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Babas and Education

The other day, I was wondering about the consequences of pairing up the infamous Babas and Babus: the former being self proclaimed seers and messiahs and the latter being the Government pencil-pushers. One cannot even begin to imagine the repercussions of such a move. Imagine having to bribe a babu at the gates of a huge mansion that is the "meditation" place for the baba. And after that, you can go ahead and meet the Baba, who will proceed to rid you of all your problems. No! I am just kidding! The only thing that the Baba will rid you of is your hard earned money, which in these days of inflation is of little use to you anyway and which you would have probably spent on useless things like educating your children and pension funds and what not. I say education is a useless thing beause it has done little for me, other than giving me the ability to write; which, given the reactions of some of my blog readers is not a good thing! However, this article is not as much about the great style of my writing as it is about Babas and their traits. It is a multi-crore business, this Baba thing, and it has given me an idea to improve the nation as a whole, by making myself and my well wishers rich. (who are significantly small in number, so that essentially means a lot of money for me)

I plan to start "Academy for Seers and Saints : HOlistic and LEthargic approaches" (Figure out the acronym for yourselves. I have given up on profanity. Hint : The capitalised letters will give the answer!) This Academy will have an underlying principle of the Golden Rule, which states that "He who has the gold, makes the rules!" And with a Dean like me to boot, this Academy is surely going to do well. I plan to teach the prospective Babas a lot many things, including but not limited to : conjuring up fruits from thin air, preparing special "bhasmas" for curing rare maladies, and of course the much vaunted art of ventrilouqy, to enable them to deliver verdicts on a person's fate in 3D surround sound. And then there will be lectures on economics, because previous experience has shown that the Babas are usually uneducated people who cannot differentiate between Rs.1 and Rs. 500 notes, which is seriously detrimental to the person seeking the Baba's advice as he will get to hoard his wealth, leading to the education of his/her children, who will probably end up writing blogs such as these : so in effect, I am rendering an invaluable service to the nation by preventing formation of new age blog writers such as myself! (What a sentence! Whoever can read this in a single breath will get a FREE counselling session with the Topper Baba of my Academy!)

Of course, you will be tempted to ask where are the profits for ME in this whole scheme of affairs. Well, if you have taken me to be a total dodo, I would like to thank you for the compliment. I believe that the dodos were the most intelligent of all species on the earth, because they rid themselves of the misery of living on this planet, which is going to come to an end soon anyway (thanks to my graduate babas). So, anyway, back to my profit making scheme. All Babas who graduate from the Academy will owe an allegiance to the Academy and since I am not a greedy person, they will have to give 99 percent of their profits to me. Hey, it is only fair that if a person is earning crores of rupees because of my investment in converting him from an uneducated, dishevelled, scrawny and seedy looking, income-less person to an uneducated, dishevelled, scrawny and seedy looking person who is earning crores of rupees, I deserve to keep the majority of the money. I wouldn't know about you, but I plan to shift base to another country once ten batches of my Academy are out. See you in Switzerland!

Sunday, December 04, 2005

The Smallest Post Ever

I realise that my previous post was the smallest article I have ever written. But then, I believe I have covered all the matter that was there to be covered.

For those in the don't know, I was referring to the Indian Cricket Team ex-captain. And don't get me wrong here, I have nothing against the ex-captain. He is a good fellow : a person who likes to keep his cards close to his chest, very much like the cricket ball, which he keeps close to his chest when he runs in to bowl. And cows will fly the day he scores a century against Australia or South Africa. I cannot recall any particular good performance he has put in against the so-called "Top Teams". The only creditable performance due to him is the century he scored against Pakistan at Dhaka, when we successfully chased a target of three hundred and twenty four runs. And that was ages ago, as early as 1998.

But then, enough of Captain bashing. There are enough sites dedicated to that. For instance,
1. http://blog.kparthas.com/archives/2005/03/it_is_time_for.html
2. http://humorcafe.blogspot.com/2005/09/ganguly-jokes.html
3. http://mavdya.blogspot.com/2005/08/captains-secret-diaries.html
The last one is particularly hilarious. It has been written by a friend of mine. It's not as funny as the stuff you find on this blog, but it's a worthy mention. (I am such a modest person, aren't I?)
Just search for Ganguly Jokes on Google.com, you are bound to find a plethora of them.

On a slightly serious note, of late I have noticed (after writing as many as two posts post-sabbatical) that my articles are not as funny as they used to be. Many concerned readers have called me up personally to tell me this : You used to be funnier. I am not perturbed by this, though. I am used to this sort of thing. I have heard this comment from as early as my third post. Back then, I wasn't even trying to be funny. But I found that people often misconstrued my "serious" description of a scenario to be hilarious. That is when I realised that the twelve divided by seven has a remainder of 5. And way back in school, when I had the IQ of 12 (or roughly 2 IQ units per brain cell) I had written the answer as 4. This sudden realisation brought a world of change in me, as have the comments of the people who all said that I used to be funnier. I would like to cite a few of them here,

Dear Mr. Umarji,
We, the members of the Society of Online Women (SOW), sincerely request you to start your female bashing again. This is because the quantity of male chauvinist pigs out there is seriously diminishing and it is giving us SOWs sleepless nights. We are finding it difficult to keep our society running. So, please resume your "funny" female bashing so that we can sue you.

Warm regards,
The SOW Legal Team


Dear Mr. Umarji,
Ever since your articles have stopped being funnier, I am feeling suicidal. The humour in your articles used to brighten my day up. After reading your articles, I used to humour myself by thinking, "Aah... Here's a guy who's more stupid than I am". And now, you have taken to writing serious articles too. I personally think that it has had an effect on this blog too. I request you to kindly resume your "funny" writing so that I can get back to my normal life.

Sincerely,
Mr. Bush


Dear Mr. Umarji,
This is the Network Officer, Secrets EXchange , at Indian Institute of Technology, Bombay (NO SEX @ IITB). We have decided to restore your internet connection. This is partly because your IITB bashing has reduced and partly because you hog the Gents restroom adjacent to the Computer Centre for accessing the internet wirelessly and without being seen. The resulting chaos has led us to restore your LAN connection so as to ensure a non-smelly Computer Centre.

Regards,
NO SEX @ IITB

Frankly, I had no idea that my blog meant so much to so many people. I was really surprised and overjoyed at this. So much so that I actually jumped for joy in the restroom and caused some major damage in the process. Not that I was hurt seriously, but the same cannot be said about the faucets and the tiles in the aforementioned um aah... How do I put this without using profanity? What the heck, I think that people like my blog (Huh! Who said anything about liking?) because I boldly and unabashedly use words like flatulence and gents' room. I caused some damage in the rest room and I am glad I did it. It was a stinky little place anyway. Maybe they will rebuild it. That will make life mcuh more easier for me the next time the SEX NO decides to bar me from accessing the Internet.

Good things about the ex-captain

ZILCH!