The Lord Ganesha Arrives

Well, the city has been waiting for a year for its favourite deity to arrive. HE has arrived, and how! Already, we are hearing about people queuing for hours to get mithais (sweets), the large amounts of "vargani" (donations) that some Sarvajanik Ganesha Utsav Mandals have collected and of course, the traffic snarls that dot the city due to the processions. Nevertheless, people have once again gone all out for celebrating of this festival; one which is a source of joy and merriment for the harried masses that throng the public transport everyday, the old and the young alike.

The best thing about this particular festival can be described in two words : The Sweets. For a person with a sweet tooth, like the one that I have (and which keeps on egging me to go for that one additional pedha), this is the festival of plenty. I just cannot have enough and ergo, in the aftermath of this festival, I am left cursing my increasing waistline. That however, is a regular phenomenon and nothing to write home about. This article is mainly about my rendezvous with an organizer of a famous Sarvajanik Ganesha Utsav Mandal, whose name I shall not disclose for security reasons. For my own security, that is!

This organizer was in a particular rush and I had to interview him while he was running his errands. This caused me a small amount of discomfort, in the sense that there is a small amount of mountain in the Mount Everest. However, showing true journalist spirit as always, I did manage to keep up with him. Also, there was the matter of asking him inane and incongruous questions, as is wont of a journalist, but that didn't bother him. Here's a brief transcript of the same.

Me : "So, you are the person in charge of Falana Falana* Sarvajanik Ganesha Utsav Mandal. Tell me, what is the budget for this year?"

Organizer : (who is talking on his cell phone/s, with subordinates and also running at the same time) "Well, we are looking at a total of around seven thousand people in the vicinity of our Mandal. That alone makes it around several lakhs of rupees..."

Me : "Surely, to suggest that seven thousand people can dole out more than a lakh of rupees is outrageous! I mean, people of Mumbai are known for their stinginess. They wouldn't contribute money for their own funeral, if you know what I mean!"

Organizer : "Well, ingenuity is the solution. This year we came out with a scheme that says that there will be a lucky draw from the names of the people who fork out more than a thousand rupees. And the winner will get to meet a celebrity. That alone ensured that we got the money. We had the over enthusiastic volunteers (pointing towards some scruffy looking fellows, whose sinews looked like they had been just moulded in an iron smelting operation) from the Mandal on the standby. In case the offer failed to produce an effect, our boys would have used their powers of gentle personal suasion. But thankfully, that wasn't the case."

Me : (Hurriedly moving away from the enthusiastic volunteers) "Yes, yes. Of course. Which celebrity is it that the lucky person will get to meet?"

Organizer : "Well, we tried to get Rani to come over, but she refuses to come over as a chief guest for a bunch of hooligans. That has enraged us and we have issued a blanket ban in the city. We will see to it that she can never be the chief guest for any function organized in this city. Not that she would be the chief guest for any, anyway, because most of them are organized by hooligans. But that is besides the point."

Me : "Yes, of course. Such haughty people, these lot of celebrities. So, who are you getting to come over then?"

Organizer : "Well, talks are on with Sachin right now. But I am sure that he will be unable to make it. He must be busy with his own work. We can always fall back on the usual routine, though. The celebrity is stuck in the traffic and will make an appearance shortly. Case finished. Later, he / she sends his / her regrets for being unable to make it. And the lucky winner gets a ticket to Mauritius. Everybody happy!"

Me : "Really? A ticket to Mauritius? How much do I need to contribute for this event?"

Organizer : "Just between you and me, don't take the Mauritius offer to heart. That will ensure the prevention of a heart break."

Me : (Dejectedly) "Aah... Anyway, what activities are you planning this year to promote a feeling of brotherhood, like the great thinker Lokmanya Tilak had visualized?"

Organizer : "Well, we are getting some local artistes to perform. We like to encourage local talent. As regards the feeling of brotherhood, I am told that the volunteers have been told to mingle amongst the crowd and ensure the feeling of brotherhood. If people are found lacking in a show of brotherhood, they have the authority to take matters into hand. We need to ensure that people live in harmony together. Disharmony is intolerable."

Me : "Very much on the lines of the ban on the movie channels, then. Okay. Another question, what about the environmental concerns? Is your idol made of eco-friendly material? Have the colours that have been used bio-degradable? How about the flowers and other miscellany that are offered to the deity? How will you ensure that you reduce the solid waste produced?"

Organizer : "We have greased the palms of the local authorities. I think that answers all your questions."

Me : "Oh yes. There is hardly any problem that a little bit of greasing can't resolve. How about the sweets? What is on offer as Prasad?"

Organizer : "Well, as the contender for the Numero Uno Sarvajanik Ganesha Utsav Mandal in Mumbai, we have the best that the city has to offer. We have Piyush from Panshikar (Dadar), Khobra Vadi from Sapre (Goregaon), Pedhas from Laxmi (Bhandup) and Farsan from Saroj (Chembur). Also, as a special this year, we are getting Bakar Vadis from Chitale (Pune)."

Me : "Kindly lead me to the place where these are being offered!" (There is no need to say that by this time, I was drooling a bit, as in there is a bit of water in the Arabian Sea!)

Organizer : "Sure, but before that, there are some people who want to meet you." (points towards the overly enthusiastic volunteers)

Overly Enthusiastic Volunteers : "Kindly pay the vargani."

Me : "Of course. Where are my manners? Now where did I keep my wallet? Aah! Here it is. Here are a thousand rupees"

Overly Enthusiastic Volunteers : "We are sure that you will give us a special mention in your article. Thank you"

Me : "Of course. No problem. My lips are sealed. Thank you, Mr. Organizer for your valuable time."



* This is not the real name of the Sarvajanik Ganesha Utsav Mandal. You should know better by now!

Shaky chairs; amongst other things

As I sit down to write this post, I realize that I am on the verge of conjuring up another mind-bogglingly insane, insouciant and irrelevant japery of an article. Also, I realize that since my weight is now near the tonne mark, I need to get a new chair. This old chair has a slight problem, in that both its armrests are broken, the legs are all wobbly and the back has lost all its foam. Other than that small trifling matter, the chair works fine. I am thankful to the kind people who run the hostel for this provision. Where would the world be if it weren't for wobbly chairs. I am talking about the political party chair. The one that wobbles when the alliance parties threaten to withdraw support.

The chair is exceedingly wobbly in Mumbai. Although there are no coalition parties in power (or are they? I wonder...) right now, the chair that hath the power is shaky. The whole house in power is rambunctious. (In case you are wondering why I am using such fundoo words, the answer is that I have just finished reading Robert Ludlum's latest novel.) Which brings me to the topic of the city itself. The base of this city is wobbly, because the city itself is nothing but seven islands joined together using, amongst other things, rocks, cement, soil and lingerie. I am not kidding! I have here a report from the American Journal of Research on Inane Topics (AJRIT) (motto : We are currently researching why the "I" is capital in our journal title) This article, sent in by alert reader anonymous (reader request for anonymity for fear of being bored to death by feminist groups claiming his involvement in the spread of the news about inappropriate uses of female innerwear) states that brassieres can effectively hold together a lot of material. It quotes John Doe of the American Institute of Amazingly Strong Holding Together Materials, "We are really amazed at the amount of material this thing can hold together. I cite here as Example A the brassiere owned by Pamela Anderson. This thing is capable of withstanding a shear stress of 20000 kilo newtons per metre squared!" I know that this is too technical for some readers, so let me explain. Basically, it means that the brassiere can withstand 20000 kilo newtons per metre squared of stress when it is in the sheared form.

Although we used a fantastic device for holding the city together, we committed a mistake by importing the same from our neighbouring country. You know the one that I am talking about. The one that sells batteries for two rupees in India. Batteries that run for as long as one whole hour before conking off! Its amazing that the brassieres have lasted so long. I think that the longevity of the cement is to be held responsible for this. Anyway, now that we know that the foundation of our city is lingerie, it shouldn't come as a surprise why the people here are constantly thinking of sex. While this is not necessarily true for the whole city, it is true for most of the people living in wards A, B, C, D, E, F / S, F / N, G / S, G /N, H / E, H / W, K / E, K / W, L, M / E, M / W, N, P / S, P / N, R / S, R / N, S and T. Not to forget those who live in the vicinity of the city.

I wonder why I had started writing this post in the first place. I had this idea of writing an article that would coruscate and exhibit my brillianct writing capabilities. However, all I have managed to do is antagonize the confreres of the Society of Online Women (SOW) I find that this particular society gets annoyed with me for anything I do, including writing about brassieres that are the very foundation of our society, ahem, I mean, the foundation of the city. I wonder what the reason for such hostility could be. I will have to ask the AJRIT to work on this.

An Impersonator

I am glad. Because, a few days ago, I realized that there is a person out there who is impersonating me. So much so that he / she has created an alternate email id using my initials. I realize that some people might think that is a serious security breach and at the least, the United Nations should be asked to step in and use tactical nuclear options against the person (One Govindraj is enough for the world to bear!) However, I think otherwise. I believe that I am so popular that people want to emulate me and want to use my name!

I was made cognizant of this particular person because s/he had the nerve to send an email in my name to some people I know. I was amazed to receive irate replies from none less than around ten people, asking me what I meant by (sic) "vaaalice viaagraa violence in egypt now for cheap. get top errikson for better pleasure". I realized then that these people had been victims of some spammer, masquerading as me. There were two ways I could have reacted to this : one, I could have made an issue of this and shouted my lungs out at the world (would've served no purpose) and the other was to write a funny blog article about it (Not that this method serves any purpose, but hey, atleast I can share my trauma with the world of people on the internet who have nothing better to do in life than reading my blog articles!)

I am glad that people want to use my name to send random and demeaning messages to other people. Its what I had intended to do on my blog page. But it seems that the person copying my identity is doing a better job than I am. Kudos to her / him for that. Its not an easy thing to send emails containing words like viaagraa (whatever that means) and violence in egypt to other people. For all you know, this email could be intercepted by the spy agencies in the US (motto : We've got an eye to spy!) and the impersonator could have to face serious trouble.

USA Secret Agent : "So, you want to spread terrorism in Guatemala!"

Impersonator : "No, no. I was just trying to make Govindraj look like a fool"

USASA : "Aah.. Code language, eh? We've got you cornered then. Interesting. (To his assistant) Get the Feds to find exactly which place in Guatemala is represented by Govindraj. (Turning back to the impersonator) Now, XYZ, what more do you have to say? Are you willing to accept that it was you who was responsible for the bombings in Mumbai, the riots in Pakistan, the tsunami that affected the south-eastern coast of India in 2004, the Monica Lewinsky scandal, global warming, and also do you accept that you are the reason that my coffee has become cold because I have been grilling you to try and get secrets out of you instead of sipping it and making an irritating noise that will drive you crazy in no time? Then you will be held in the correction centre where we will ensure that DNA tests are conducted to conclusively prove that you are related to both Osama and Saddam. Goddamm these people, they screw (pun unintended) all the world!"

Impersonator : (Desperately) "No, no, please. I was just trying to be a wise guy. I promise not to impersonate anyone in the future."

USASA : "That is IF you HAVE a future. Get the apparatus for the DNA test ready."

So, impersonating me is a dangerous business. I guess I should intimate my impersonator about his / her possible blood relation to Saddam and Osama. That is the least I can do to safeguard someone who has generated so much publicity for me. Not that you can fool DNA tests, but at least s/he will know why s/he is being incarcerated. Also, I need to notify the UN about the possibility of a nuclear strike being ordered by some radical factions which support me and are ready to die or kill for my cause (I don't know what my cause is!)

By the way, vaaalice viaagraa violence in egypt now for cheap. get top errikson for better pleasure. Thank you.