Mumbai will have a Metro

At least that is what I heard on the news recently. Apparently, some politician woke up one fine morning on his "official" visit to Tokyo, had a look out of the window and saw - millions of Japanese people commuting to work. Actually, he did not see a million, I guess his estimate was off by about a few thousand. That being besides the point, I digress, he was amazed at the capacity of the local metro trains. They were full to the brim, which reminded him of the local trains of Mumbai and this of course made him so nostalgic that he had to order Indian food for breakfast. He skipped his usual sushi - imagine what the love for the country can make these men of stolid (or do I mean solid?) character do! Amazing is the word that suggests itself immediately to the mind.

Anyway, so the hero (Huh?) of our story thought, "That's a swell idea! Why not have a metro for Mumbai? That way, we will still have people who are hanging off trains, but the trains will be faster! That probably means that more people will fall off them! A solution for the population crisis of Mumbai? No, wait. I can't use that. Some of them may be from my vote bank. No, no. I must think of something else to promote the metro. I must take care of my minority. Ha! I can cite the example of the Delhi metro and how well it is functioning! I don't know if it is functioning at all. I never got a chance to ride it, what with my constant Europe and America trips and the usual delay in the flights that forces me to use my private chopper to commute from the Mumbai airport to my residence in Colaba"

So, with this thought in mind, when our hero returned to his homeland (Arkansas, USA) he made an urgent call to his deputy and asked him to fix up a meeting with Mallika Shararat. No point in going ahead with a project without celebrity backing is a famous motto of the Maharashtra politburo. I am unsure about the arcane reason subjacent to this old rite, but there you have it. No new project can start without the blessings of these almighty deities. Look at poor Amitabh having to plead (yes, plead) to the people of UP (actually, the whole nation) to give their children the vital polio dose so that they can live unhampered and better lives. I don't see the purpose behind this. I think the reason is that the noblesse oblige forces the men in power to rescind any plans that do not have celebrity backing. So, we have famous people endorsing all sorts of government plans, right from the mid-day meal scheme for children in municipal schools to setting up shops selling china ware in local... oops I mean the metro trains. The shopkeeper will be one harassed fellow:

"Dekhne ka paisa nahi hai bhai. Dekho magar pyaar se. Abe motorman, gaadi theek se chalaa! Mera saara maal..." (Sound of all the china crashing in the background)

Anyway, the plans for the metro for Mumbai have apparently been given the go-ahead, subject to the arrival of a few khokaas at the respective residences of the respected politicians. The point d'appui for the selection of the metro seems to be the convenience it will furnish to daily commuters of this city. Not to mention the convenience of the men in power. As long as the voters are happy, they can happily volplane their ways towards their respective "khursis"

For some serious thoughts about the implications the metro will have on the city, you are requested to go Here.

Inebriated - not totally enough!

I was at the happening do of the evening. Its my avocation to attend parties to get away from my usually hackneyed existence in the multiple states of my mind. Call it escapism or whatever you will. The truth remains that after a few swigs of the good stuff, I am closer to the planet earth than I can ever hope to be when I am sober.

Anyway, so here I was, attending what was claimed by a leading daily to be the party of the day : not party of the week, party of the month or the millennium. Just party of the day. It seems that when I was sleeping away to glory, the city of Mumbai suddenly chose to don a new avatar : something that has made me feel out of place ever since I have been in demand as the most sought after humour columnist in Mumbai. You didn’t see that one coming, did you? Regular readers of my other blog will have thought that one of my other personalities, which is involved in the spawning of really and truly mind whirring and soul stirring stuff had taken over this blog. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is none other than yours truly, the booger man, penning his random musings.

So, anyway, I was at this party and I had had some drinks. I am sure that I hadn’t downed more than a few (seven) pegs of vodka martini (made in the new Bond style), a few pegs (large ones) of rum here and there and then of course, there were the tequila shots. I don’t like overdoing things. I am a man who believes in spartan living. If you come to my twenty roomed bungalow, you will see that it has no major luxuries other than the centralized air conditioning, hot water taps in all bathrooms, fully stocked refrigerators and the three plasma television sets that I own. A very down to earth person, who believes in a minimalistic existence, is what I am. After the drinks, I was feeling particularly ebullient, though I hadn’t the slightest notion why. I chose a corner and made myself at home there.

I am blessed with good hearing ability. My eyesight isn’t what you would call great. I would probably need binoculars to read the writing on the wall. Not that there was any writing on any wall, but I realize that the phrase is just a metaphor. I have long since earned the sobriquet of BB - which is short for Big Brother. At least that is what I tell other people. I am sure there is another full form for it, of which I am unaware and I choose to remain so. Anyway, sitting on the couch that I had made myself at home, I could hear people at distances of, and I don’t want to appear as if I am bragging here (I am of course bragging, its just that I don’t want to appear as if I am doing it!), but I could hear, correction, overhear people who were sharing secrets at the bar stools. The bar stools were as far as three thousand seven hundred and ninety six millimetres away from me. I am sure that you have begun to get an appreciation of my special auditory abilities. However, due to my state of beatitude, I was only able to make out part of what I was hearing. I was unable to fixate my attention anywhere for longer than a few seconds. Here is what I heard:

“And then when he gets to the bathroom, there is a crescendo in the background score, and when he opens the door…”

“Wham! Sachin had hit Pollock for a four through the covers. What a beautiful shot it was! What timing! I can still visualize his shot, what with my eidetic memory serving me so well…”

“… so well that I had to sell all the lingerie I had ever purchased for my girl friend. The new ones I have got her are terrific, they…”

“… they are like these huge covers for the humongous material that lies beneath. These are made of a special rubbery material that has the natural texture and feel of a…”

“Hippopotamus. That is the animal that needs to be christened the king of the jungle. And that is not just because of its sheer size. I believe…”

“… that its posterior could do with some make-up work. Its not everyday that you plan to rebuild a derelict. And when you do so, it should be done properly. Not as if someone woke up in the middle of the night…”

“… and I had this terrible urge to go to the bathroom myself. I could still recall the scene from the movie and ergo, I was a bit apprehensive about what was subjacent…”

“… to the lingerie. I am sure that once they get the solution for that problem, males all over the world will rejoice. The job of unhooking lingerie…”

“… will no longer be like trying to get a Hippopotamus out of water. That is what people say when they have to signify the difficulty of a task. Little do they realize that all of the Hippo is not fat…”

“… In fact, in the unlikeliest of places, you are bound to find the rubbery material. Once this has managed to hold on to the substrate…”

“… all that remained of the guy was the bloodied hand. And in his hand he held…”

“…aloft the bat and saluted the crowd. I was overjoyed. Its not everyday that you get to see a special Sachin half-century. You need to be blessed…”

“… to be able to unhook the brassiere. That will no longer be the bane of males. This will help them shed all inhibitions and also promote…”

” … the reduction of avoirdupois, which is a principal problem in these days of obesity”

I couldn’t take any more of it. This had to stop. I had to do something to stop all the nonsense talk that was going on around the party. I had to make the people realize the futility of it all; I needed to make them aware that they had become impassible and that they needed to show more empathy and compassion towards this world than they did now. I had to… fall asleep. Really! That was all I could do after getting an overdose of lingerie that hippos would wear on their backside so that derelicts could be lit up for celebrating Sachin’s century!

A Bizarre Encounter

Yesterday, I had an encounter of the bizarre kind. It was peculiar in the sense that I didn't actually have an encounter but came away from the scene feeling I had. This happened when I was getting off the bus and a guy on a bike zoomed past me. Now, rules of the country say that you are not supposed to drive on the embarking / disembarking portion of the bus stop, let alone zoom by. But this character was obviously oblivious of all those regulations. Unfortunately for us, such people (whose brain volume is less than the volume of their bike's engine) are the norm rather than the exception. So, we are going to have to learn to live with them.

On a slightly lighter note (the biker could have benefited from some weight loss by the way) I recently heard of another bizarre incident taking place elsewhere in the world, in a different galaxy. The incident occurred in the Sahara Desert which lies in the Third Sector of the Phytomedia Galaxy, yonder to the Milky Way (tm) Galaxy. Some people reported seeing flying camels and this created quite a furore. Was it mere hallucination or was it the work of some alien technology? In a bid to find out the real truth, I decided to investigate further. (Note of caution : All the material written here is sourced from the internet. Therefore, it is very valid and accurate, if you know what I mean!)

Agency Reports : More camels were seen flying following reports of flying camel sightings in and around the fringes of the desert. While this could be put down to overdose of coffee and lack of sleep on the part of the residents, there are some scientists who claim that the flying camels are nothing but a mirage. (And you wonder why the Mirages with the Indian Air Force crash? They are nothing but flying camels!) This is a serious development according to the American Journal of Research on Inane Topics (AJRIT) (motto : We are researching the correlation between the depth of the Indian Ocean and the recent terror attacks around the world) Mr. John Doe of AJRIT claimed that the flying camels are the latest technology that has invaded the desert and is threatening to disrupt the life of the locals.

"Camels have long been the travel companions of the tribes inhabiting the desert. With some of them now adapting to the skies, owning a flying camel will become a prestige issue and pretty soon we are going to have Sheikhs wanting to have a flying fleet of camels. Soon, they will add to the crowding of the already overcrowded airports"
Sheikh Abdul : This is Sheikh Abdul on Camel Flight 203, requesting permission to land.
Control Tower : Negative Sheikh, we are full. Please try the Cairo airport.
SA : I have just come from there. They are full too. They are having a full convention on flying camels in Cairo and they have people coming in from India on flying carpets, people from Europe coming in on broomsticks, the lot.
CT : If you can hold out for twenty seven hours, we may be able to fit you in.
SA : Okay. But make it quick. My camel needs to take a leak.

Another development could be that the leading software manufacturer of the world (you know who I am talking about!) could soon come out with a game called The Flying Camel Simulator. That would be hilarious. I have heard that the programmers undergo intensive on-site training before writing the software. For this, they would need to go to the Sahara Desert to practice flying on the camels.
Owner of Big Software company : "Guys, have you made it to the Sahara?"
Programmers : "Sir, we are stuck in Nevada. The GPS system is not working. It does not show a place called Sahara anywhere in the US"
Owner : "Try restarting the service. If that doesn't work, try contacting help desk. No, wait. Help desk will not be of any help. They are in the process of changing the hold tune from Beethoven's Symphonies to Mozart's Compilations. You need to figure out for yourself how to reach there"
Prog. : "Sir, we have restarted the service. It is asking us for permission to send an error report and searching like hell for an internet connection! We may have to abort."

If on the other hand, the owner asks the Sheikhs to get the camels to the United States, there will be a great security threat and the Sheikh would have to fill out Security and Customs forms.

Security and Customs form for Private Aircraft owner
1. Are there any living animals on board? Ans. The aircraft is an animal.
2. Has the aircraft undergone any repair work unbeknownst to you? Ans. Not that I know of.
3. Are you the owner of this aircraft? Who was the previous owner? And. I am the owner.
4. Are you carrying any illegal items on board such as drugs, weapons of mass destruction? Ans. The aircraft is suffering from stomach ache and is currently classified as a Biological WMD.

Personally, I think that flying camels is a swell idea. It will be one hell of a sight to behold a humped camel spreading its wings and taking for the skies. I am sure that one will be able to earn millions just from giving out joy rides. I propose to do so. I am just waiting for getting training from The Flying Camel Simulator.

Invigilation Duties

For a change, I was on the other side of the fence. And I was astonished to learn that the grass is indeed greener on the other side. Now you might argue that the grass being greener on the other side is an allegory and that it shouldn't matter much to a human (bovines may beg to differ) This article however has nothing to do with my love for grass (pun unintended) Its more to do with one of the duties that I had to perform as a self respecting Masters student. Mind you, Invigilating for an examination is not the most exciting of pastimes : watching a plant grow is more exciting than standing in an examination hall while students around you are racking their brains, with concerned expressions on their faces, thinking, "If alpha times omega is equal to beta, what the hell was I doing last night instead of studying?". I did not shy away from this duty. As I said, I am a self respecting, righteous, honest and vertically integrated (whatever that means. I heard it in a movie called Miami Vice) person and there was no way I was not going to perform my duties. My scholarship depends on it.

One of the hazards of being an invigilator for an exam which has abstract questions and expects abstracter answers is that you have to stop people from copying or using inappropriate methods to complete their exam papers. While this is bound to happen even in the best of places, I have reason to believe that the country is going to the dogs. In a place which prides itself on being the numero uno technological institution in the country, the level of the students, with respect to their mastery over inappropriate methods, is very poor. It was really depressing to see the students use such archaic methods such as glancing into his / her neighbour's answer book to copy. This method was used when I was pursuing my undergraduate studies some quadrizillion years ago. Not that I practiced this fine art. Since I was an intelligent and hard working student, there was nothing LEFT for me to copy. I always knew the RIGHT answers. Here's an illustration for those stupid enough not to understand what I am saying.

As a result of my RIGHTEOUSNESS, I always managed to score well in my exams. Is there anything more LEFT to say? Okay, enough of those puns. Coming back to life is a song by Pink Floyd. And coming back to the point at hand is the sentence that I use most in all my articles. This is because I have a tendency to stray from what I had started speaking about initially, and which is precisely what I have done in writing this very sentence itself and something which you will realize only after the sentence is over, about which, considering its length till now, you are still wondering whether to report it to the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest, meaningless sentence that tries to explain the futility of my articles with respect to my continual and obstrusive deviances from the topic at hand. (Statutory warning : Reading blog articles with long meaningless sentences may be harmful to the invigilator's health)

Anyway, coming back to the article (Here I go again) I realized that there is a serious need of some good training institute to indoctrinate in the students the lost Art of using Inappropriate Methods to Succeed at EXams. (AIMSEX) I know that the abbreviation is a bit misleading, but hey! Whatever helps business is cool by me. I plan to start such an academy (in conjunction with ASSHOLE) This will help the country by making me wealthy and thereby reducing the need for me to write blog articles. I will write in detail about the methods I propose to teach the students to help them succeed. For now, I need to collect and assess their answersheets.

Positives from the Arsenal vs. Hamburg Game

There is a lot that we can learn from the way we played today:

1. Even though Henry was missing, there was a semblance of pace up front. v Persie did well to win the penalty (minimal contact, but the keeper had the wrong intentions!) and Gilberto converted it with consumate ease.
2. Rosicky!!! Man, the words of the BBC commentator for the World Cup (for the Czech vs. USA match) come to my mind. After the stunning goal Rosicky scored, he said, "That is what Arsenal fans will be looking forward to this summer!"
3. Adebayour : Okay, his finishing skills still have about three question marks on them, but he made up for that with some solid running and some instances of running back and defending. I wish he had got on the scoring sheet. May be some goals below his belt will do his confidence a world of good.
4. Gallas : He looked more at ease in Toure's position than he was in the LB one. He defended well and in general, marshalled Djorou and Hoyte nicely. Maybe we could have these two intern under him or something.
5. Walcott : He didn't feature in the game, but I believe the Hamburg side were a bit wary of him being introduced at a late stage in the game when they were going to be tired and Walcott would run rings around them. That psychological factor helped.

Looking forward to Sunday's game against Manchester United :

Things that worry me:
1. Toure's injury
2. Hoyte's discrepancies in defending
3. Lack of finishing (we should have won 6-0 against 10-man Hamburg)
4. Eboue's lack of clinical last pass
5. Our recent history in EPL against Man Utd

In spite of all these, I believe that we can put up a good show at Old Trafford. Here's looking forward to that.

The Lord Ganesha Arrives

Well, the city has been waiting for a year for its favourite deity to arrive. HE has arrived, and how! Already, we are hearing about people queuing for hours to get mithais (sweets), the large amounts of "vargani" (donations) that some Sarvajanik Ganesha Utsav Mandals have collected and of course, the traffic snarls that dot the city due to the processions. Nevertheless, people have once again gone all out for celebrating of this festival; one which is a source of joy and merriment for the harried masses that throng the public transport everyday, the old and the young alike.

The best thing about this particular festival can be described in two words : The Sweets. For a person with a sweet tooth, like the one that I have (and which keeps on egging me to go for that one additional pedha), this is the festival of plenty. I just cannot have enough and ergo, in the aftermath of this festival, I am left cursing my increasing waistline. That however, is a regular phenomenon and nothing to write home about. This article is mainly about my rendezvous with an organizer of a famous Sarvajanik Ganesha Utsav Mandal, whose name I shall not disclose for security reasons. For my own security, that is!

This organizer was in a particular rush and I had to interview him while he was running his errands. This caused me a small amount of discomfort, in the sense that there is a small amount of mountain in the Mount Everest. However, showing true journalist spirit as always, I did manage to keep up with him. Also, there was the matter of asking him inane and incongruous questions, as is wont of a journalist, but that didn't bother him. Here's a brief transcript of the same.

Me : "So, you are the person in charge of Falana Falana* Sarvajanik Ganesha Utsav Mandal. Tell me, what is the budget for this year?"

Organizer : (who is talking on his cell phone/s, with subordinates and also running at the same time) "Well, we are looking at a total of around seven thousand people in the vicinity of our Mandal. That alone makes it around several lakhs of rupees..."

Me : "Surely, to suggest that seven thousand people can dole out more than a lakh of rupees is outrageous! I mean, people of Mumbai are known for their stinginess. They wouldn't contribute money for their own funeral, if you know what I mean!"

Organizer : "Well, ingenuity is the solution. This year we came out with a scheme that says that there will be a lucky draw from the names of the people who fork out more than a thousand rupees. And the winner will get to meet a celebrity. That alone ensured that we got the money. We had the over enthusiastic volunteers (pointing towards some scruffy looking fellows, whose sinews looked like they had been just moulded in an iron smelting operation) from the Mandal on the standby. In case the offer failed to produce an effect, our boys would have used their powers of gentle personal suasion. But thankfully, that wasn't the case."

Me : (Hurriedly moving away from the enthusiastic volunteers) "Yes, yes. Of course. Which celebrity is it that the lucky person will get to meet?"

Organizer : "Well, we tried to get Rani to come over, but she refuses to come over as a chief guest for a bunch of hooligans. That has enraged us and we have issued a blanket ban in the city. We will see to it that she can never be the chief guest for any function organized in this city. Not that she would be the chief guest for any, anyway, because most of them are organized by hooligans. But that is besides the point."

Me : "Yes, of course. Such haughty people, these lot of celebrities. So, who are you getting to come over then?"

Organizer : "Well, talks are on with Sachin right now. But I am sure that he will be unable to make it. He must be busy with his own work. We can always fall back on the usual routine, though. The celebrity is stuck in the traffic and will make an appearance shortly. Case finished. Later, he / she sends his / her regrets for being unable to make it. And the lucky winner gets a ticket to Mauritius. Everybody happy!"

Me : "Really? A ticket to Mauritius? How much do I need to contribute for this event?"

Organizer : "Just between you and me, don't take the Mauritius offer to heart. That will ensure the prevention of a heart break."

Me : (Dejectedly) "Aah... Anyway, what activities are you planning this year to promote a feeling of brotherhood, like the great thinker Lokmanya Tilak had visualized?"

Organizer : "Well, we are getting some local artistes to perform. We like to encourage local talent. As regards the feeling of brotherhood, I am told that the volunteers have been told to mingle amongst the crowd and ensure the feeling of brotherhood. If people are found lacking in a show of brotherhood, they have the authority to take matters into hand. We need to ensure that people live in harmony together. Disharmony is intolerable."

Me : "Very much on the lines of the ban on the movie channels, then. Okay. Another question, what about the environmental concerns? Is your idol made of eco-friendly material? Have the colours that have been used bio-degradable? How about the flowers and other miscellany that are offered to the deity? How will you ensure that you reduce the solid waste produced?"

Organizer : "We have greased the palms of the local authorities. I think that answers all your questions."

Me : "Oh yes. There is hardly any problem that a little bit of greasing can't resolve. How about the sweets? What is on offer as Prasad?"

Organizer : "Well, as the contender for the Numero Uno Sarvajanik Ganesha Utsav Mandal in Mumbai, we have the best that the city has to offer. We have Piyush from Panshikar (Dadar), Khobra Vadi from Sapre (Goregaon), Pedhas from Laxmi (Bhandup) and Farsan from Saroj (Chembur). Also, as a special this year, we are getting Bakar Vadis from Chitale (Pune)."

Me : "Kindly lead me to the place where these are being offered!" (There is no need to say that by this time, I was drooling a bit, as in there is a bit of water in the Arabian Sea!)

Organizer : "Sure, but before that, there are some people who want to meet you." (points towards the overly enthusiastic volunteers)

Overly Enthusiastic Volunteers : "Kindly pay the vargani."

Me : "Of course. Where are my manners? Now where did I keep my wallet? Aah! Here it is. Here are a thousand rupees"

Overly Enthusiastic Volunteers : "We are sure that you will give us a special mention in your article. Thank you"

Me : "Of course. No problem. My lips are sealed. Thank you, Mr. Organizer for your valuable time."



* This is not the real name of the Sarvajanik Ganesha Utsav Mandal. You should know better by now!

Shaky chairs; amongst other things

As I sit down to write this post, I realize that I am on the verge of conjuring up another mind-bogglingly insane, insouciant and irrelevant japery of an article. Also, I realize that since my weight is now near the tonne mark, I need to get a new chair. This old chair has a slight problem, in that both its armrests are broken, the legs are all wobbly and the back has lost all its foam. Other than that small trifling matter, the chair works fine. I am thankful to the kind people who run the hostel for this provision. Where would the world be if it weren't for wobbly chairs. I am talking about the political party chair. The one that wobbles when the alliance parties threaten to withdraw support.

The chair is exceedingly wobbly in Mumbai. Although there are no coalition parties in power (or are they? I wonder...) right now, the chair that hath the power is shaky. The whole house in power is rambunctious. (In case you are wondering why I am using such fundoo words, the answer is that I have just finished reading Robert Ludlum's latest novel.) Which brings me to the topic of the city itself. The base of this city is wobbly, because the city itself is nothing but seven islands joined together using, amongst other things, rocks, cement, soil and lingerie. I am not kidding! I have here a report from the American Journal of Research on Inane Topics (AJRIT) (motto : We are currently researching why the "I" is capital in our journal title) This article, sent in by alert reader anonymous (reader request for anonymity for fear of being bored to death by feminist groups claiming his involvement in the spread of the news about inappropriate uses of female innerwear) states that brassieres can effectively hold together a lot of material. It quotes John Doe of the American Institute of Amazingly Strong Holding Together Materials, "We are really amazed at the amount of material this thing can hold together. I cite here as Example A the brassiere owned by Pamela Anderson. This thing is capable of withstanding a shear stress of 20000 kilo newtons per metre squared!" I know that this is too technical for some readers, so let me explain. Basically, it means that the brassiere can withstand 20000 kilo newtons per metre squared of stress when it is in the sheared form.

Although we used a fantastic device for holding the city together, we committed a mistake by importing the same from our neighbouring country. You know the one that I am talking about. The one that sells batteries for two rupees in India. Batteries that run for as long as one whole hour before conking off! Its amazing that the brassieres have lasted so long. I think that the longevity of the cement is to be held responsible for this. Anyway, now that we know that the foundation of our city is lingerie, it shouldn't come as a surprise why the people here are constantly thinking of sex. While this is not necessarily true for the whole city, it is true for most of the people living in wards A, B, C, D, E, F / S, F / N, G / S, G /N, H / E, H / W, K / E, K / W, L, M / E, M / W, N, P / S, P / N, R / S, R / N, S and T. Not to forget those who live in the vicinity of the city.

I wonder why I had started writing this post in the first place. I had this idea of writing an article that would coruscate and exhibit my brillianct writing capabilities. However, all I have managed to do is antagonize the confreres of the Society of Online Women (SOW) I find that this particular society gets annoyed with me for anything I do, including writing about brassieres that are the very foundation of our society, ahem, I mean, the foundation of the city. I wonder what the reason for such hostility could be. I will have to ask the AJRIT to work on this.

An Impersonator

I am glad. Because, a few days ago, I realized that there is a person out there who is impersonating me. So much so that he / she has created an alternate email id using my initials. I realize that some people might think that is a serious security breach and at the least, the United Nations should be asked to step in and use tactical nuclear options against the person (One Govindraj is enough for the world to bear!) However, I think otherwise. I believe that I am so popular that people want to emulate me and want to use my name!

I was made cognizant of this particular person because s/he had the nerve to send an email in my name to some people I know. I was amazed to receive irate replies from none less than around ten people, asking me what I meant by (sic) "vaaalice viaagraa violence in egypt now for cheap. get top errikson for better pleasure". I realized then that these people had been victims of some spammer, masquerading as me. There were two ways I could have reacted to this : one, I could have made an issue of this and shouted my lungs out at the world (would've served no purpose) and the other was to write a funny blog article about it (Not that this method serves any purpose, but hey, atleast I can share my trauma with the world of people on the internet who have nothing better to do in life than reading my blog articles!)

I am glad that people want to use my name to send random and demeaning messages to other people. Its what I had intended to do on my blog page. But it seems that the person copying my identity is doing a better job than I am. Kudos to her / him for that. Its not an easy thing to send emails containing words like viaagraa (whatever that means) and violence in egypt to other people. For all you know, this email could be intercepted by the spy agencies in the US (motto : We've got an eye to spy!) and the impersonator could have to face serious trouble.

USA Secret Agent : "So, you want to spread terrorism in Guatemala!"

Impersonator : "No, no. I was just trying to make Govindraj look like a fool"

USASA : "Aah.. Code language, eh? We've got you cornered then. Interesting. (To his assistant) Get the Feds to find exactly which place in Guatemala is represented by Govindraj. (Turning back to the impersonator) Now, XYZ, what more do you have to say? Are you willing to accept that it was you who was responsible for the bombings in Mumbai, the riots in Pakistan, the tsunami that affected the south-eastern coast of India in 2004, the Monica Lewinsky scandal, global warming, and also do you accept that you are the reason that my coffee has become cold because I have been grilling you to try and get secrets out of you instead of sipping it and making an irritating noise that will drive you crazy in no time? Then you will be held in the correction centre where we will ensure that DNA tests are conducted to conclusively prove that you are related to both Osama and Saddam. Goddamm these people, they screw (pun unintended) all the world!"

Impersonator : (Desperately) "No, no, please. I was just trying to be a wise guy. I promise not to impersonate anyone in the future."

USASA : "That is IF you HAVE a future. Get the apparatus for the DNA test ready."

So, impersonating me is a dangerous business. I guess I should intimate my impersonator about his / her possible blood relation to Saddam and Osama. That is the least I can do to safeguard someone who has generated so much publicity for me. Not that you can fool DNA tests, but at least s/he will know why s/he is being incarcerated. Also, I need to notify the UN about the possibility of a nuclear strike being ordered by some radical factions which support me and are ready to die or kill for my cause (I don't know what my cause is!)

By the way, vaaalice viaagraa violence in egypt now for cheap. get top errikson for better pleasure. Thank you.

The Day after Today

Today has been a different day for me for various reasons. There have been many "firsts" for today, starting with the fact that this is my first article in on blogspot in the wake of the blanket ban. Another first is that today is the first time I cleaned my hostel room. (In this month and not in the year!) Also, I killed a spider for the first time in this month. That is another first, considering that I am a peace loving person and I hardly kill any creatures, no matter how disgusting or irritating they are, save for the occasional flies, mosquitoes, ants, termites, all sorts of buzzing insects, insects which hover near the ear and beg for alms to feed themselves and send their children to school, rodents, all slithering creatures, including but not limited to alligators, crocodiles, lizards and the like and people who say "home" when you ask them where they live. As I said, I am a peace loving person.

So, coming back to the cleaning of my room. I don't know why I am saying "coming back" because I wasn't talking about the cleaning of my room in the first place. But I have habit of straying from the topic at hand and as usual I assumed that I had done the same on this occasion and therefore, I thought I'd write a statement about coming back to the topic at hand. So, there I was cleaning my room and feeling good about it, when I saw this spider. Now I am not in the habit of swatting at spiders the moment I see them. It's more of an instinctive reaction to ignore the spider and let it go along its business. I like spiders : they rid the room of the aforementioned insects. But this spider was different, it kept staring at me. As I went around my work of cleaning the room, I noticed two things : One, the room was looking dirtier than when I had started cleaning it and two, I had forgotten that there was a lecture I was supposed to attend at 1100hrs. Since it was already 1300hrs, I decided to give the lecture a miss. Another thing that I noticed was that no matter wherever I was in the room, at least one eye of the spider was always focused on me. Not that I hate attention, but attention of this kind can be unnerving. The next thing I know, the spider could be asking me to marry his daughter.

Spider : "Please marry my daughter. She's a darling and she has eyes only for you!"
Me : "Great! That's all I need. A spider with squinted eyes to be my wife! Thanks, but no thanks!"

Ergo, I was feeling a bit nervous and I was just dreading the moment the spider would make a move and talk about the prospective arachno-human tie up. I knew I could always make up a cock-and-bull story about having to attend the lecture (in case you are wondering why this should be a cock-and-bull story, please go through my attendance records for any theory course that I have signed up for) and make a "clean" getaway from the filthy room. But this spider never made the move. I think he was trying to feel me out; he wanted to see if his prospective son-in-law had enough guts. Apparently, this was some sort of a test of the panache I would display when faced with a difficult situation. I had to do something to be worthy of eight-eyes full of attention! So, I did what any normal, god-fearing, animal loving person would do : I killed the spider. This caused two things : all the eight eyes of the doting daughter rolled in their respective sockets and the mate of the spider I killed came along and dutifully ate the dead one. I am serious : it seems that this particular species of spider was the black widow spider. And the female just stopped short of remonstrating me for doing her job for her. It's a good thing I didn't marry her daughter. Or one fine day, you would have seen all the spiders in Mumbai making a bee-lind for Powai, a la Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. The reason would obviously be the feast sponsored by the squint eyed black widow spider!

Enough said about the spider though. My room is clean now and the spiders whose webs I ahd managed to clean have indignantly gone about their work and built themselves new webs, arguably in an effort to spite me. Little do they realise that they are just helping me keep out the insects I hate!

On Personal Hygiene

You come across them all the time, don't you? People (who I suppose themselves bathe at least thirty three times a day, give or take a few based on whether there is a water shortage in their area), experts in their own rights, advising you on how to maintain personal hygiene. You find them in huge bunches at social gatherings. They are the ones emitting deo fragrance rays visible to the nake eye (Thanks to Mr. Dave Barry for this line) And the moment they are within earshot distance of you, they talk in whispers. At least they think they talk in whispers.

"THAT GUY SMELLS SO BAD. I WISH HE WOULD MOVE AWAY! WHO INVITED HIM?"
"YES. YOU ARE RIGHT. HE SMELLS REALLY BAD. HE REMINDS ME OF THE GARBAGE DUMP IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE"
"SPEAKING OF GARBAGE DUMPS, I WONDER WHAT THE BMC IS GOING TO DO ABOUT THE GARBAGE THIS YEAR. I HOPE THE MITHI DOESN'T GET CLOGGED AGAIN"
"YEAH. LAST YEAR, DURING THE FLOODS, ALL THE GUTTER WATER ROSE UP AND CAME INTO MY HOUSE. THE SHIT HIT THE FAN, LITERALLY! IT WAS STINKING REALLY BAD"
"YEAH. THE BMC MUST BE BLAMED FOR ALL OF THIS. HE LOOKS LIKE THE BMC GUY. HE SMELLS SO BAD. I WISH HE WOULD MOVE AWAY! WHO INVITED HIM?"
"YES. YOU ARE RIGHT. HE SMELLS REALLY BAD. HE REMINDS ME OF THE GARBAGE DUMP IN FRONT OF MY OFFICE"

And so it goes, the conversation of these thirty three timers which is nothing more than random neural firings converted to speech by the vocal chords in their throats. I wish I could dump some garbage from the dumps in front of their homes (/offices) into their mouths. Although their bodies are clean, their mouths are filthy. These are the gossip mongers and how I would like to shut them up for good. They are the people that film magazines source their material from. Clean bodies, dirty minds. I'd rather have it the other way round. This doesn't mean that I don't indulge in personal hygiene (Is indulge the word I am looking for? Doesn't indulging happen occasionally?) I do invest in my body and I do take a bath or two regularly. In fact, sometimes I take as many as two or sometimes even three baths in a day. It depends on the compensation factor. This is a very complex factor I have come up with. Based on whether I am stinking bad or really bad (decided based on the reactions of the neighbouring building residents. If people from Building No. 20 call me (I am in 12) then the situation is a national emergency) I decide whether or not to take the one extra bath that I previously mentioned. I don't see what the big deal is anyway. I am an Environmental Engineer and I am doing my bit to save water for the nation. So, three baths a day, once in a month is good enough, no?

A little bit of fiction

Before I began my career (huh?) as a booger writer, I used to dibble and dabble in fiction writing. Since I haven't posted for quite a while now (and will not be posting for quite some time in the near future also) I thought I'd let you readers admire my fiction writing skills (if any!) :-)

My apologies for depriving you of a fantastic source of humour (I am so self centred, aren't I?) Egotist? Nope, the word you are looking for, you silly person, is egocetric. There is a subtle difference in the two words, about which you would have known, if you weren't wondering in your literature class in the year of 1923 at Dhobi Talao Municipal High School, what sort of thrashing you were in for if the cleaner realized that the girls bathroom had been choked by none other than yours truly when you were fiddling around with the cock (not that cock, you moron!) that handled the waste flow to outside the building!

Anyway, here's a story I wrote around two years ago. (Whew! Finally. I thought he was never going to end! How the hell did he know about the cock incident?) Read through and let me know what you make of it. The title of the story is "In the future"

“I’ve got extreme bad news”

“What is it?”

“Your friend, Abhay, has expired. He met with an accident while he was travelling on his astrocycle.”

“Oh dear! What an unfortunate event. May his soul rest in peace! His parents must be devastated.”
So saying, Vinay went and met Abhay’s parents. The next day, all the people, who were friends, relatives, distant & close acquaintances of Abhay, gathered at a common place to pay their last respects to the deceased. Then all of them went to the Memeraser.

The Memeraser was the place in the future where one could wipe out selective parts of one’s memory. In the fast life, no one had time to grieve over the loss of someone near and dear. The Memeraser was quick and efficient. All instances of a person/being in your memory were wiped out in a flash. All that remained was déjà vu. All official records on computers were also removed. The person became a non-entity. Like he/she had never existed.

The same was the case with Abhay’s acquaintances. It wasn’t as if they didn’t care. It was just that life had become too fast. People had forgotten that emotions were the basic fabric of being humans.

Elsewhere in the world

“I say, all this is rubbish. How can you allow the Memeraser to function? It goes against the fundamental concept of being humans.”, said Mark.

“Now, now Mark! You know how fast life is now a days. People simply don’t have time to rue over the loss. Its easier to forget than to wait for the so-called ‘time – the eternal healer’ “, said Anthony.

“How can you say this, Anthony? Do you remember how shocked you were at the demise of Neville? And the very next day, you return to work as if nothing has happened!”

“Stop reminding me of Neville. You always do that, although I have not the faintest idea who he was!”

“See! That’s the whole point! You don’t even remember your own dear cousin! What a time we are living in!”

“Please don’t make life difficult for me. You know I have to operate the Memeraser come what may. Go and whine somewhere else. All I care about is to make people happy”

“Happy? You don’t know what happiness is. You and everyone else on this planet is selfish”

Mark was seething as he left the Memeraser building. Within months of the technology being introduced, Memerasers had sprung up all over the world, ‘helping’ people lead their lives without the memories of someone who “had been”. Mark could not stand it. It was the memories that made man. Memories of childhood, of good friends, places, things and what not that differentiated man from animals. And now, human beings were transforming themselves to animals. In the jungle, the death of an organism did not matter much to anyone else.

People had tried to explain to Mark how the Memeraser was right. They used the famous “Don’t Care Ratio” talk with him. The Don’t Care ratio was ZERO. It was the ratio of the number of people who are affected when someone passes on to the number of people unaffected. In a population of trillions, this was bound to be zero. But Mark was adamant. He could not believe that people had become so insensitive. He wanted to change the world to the way it once was. To a time when people mourned the loss of a near and dear one & time, and time alone removed the sad memories and replaced them with happy memories of that person.

Mark started a discussion forum on the internet. He began lobbying against the Memeraser. Very soon, he had a sizeable amount of people supporting him. He realised that all was not lost & that few people, like him, still believed in the old time ‘rituals’. He decided to wield his prowess, to swing public opinion against the Memeraser. And then he was killed in a freak accident involving his car.

Do you remember Mark?

Mark? Who?

People who are short on internet time can mail me at gsumarji[at]hotmail.com for this story in a pdf format. Mail me at the same address in case you liked this story and would like to read other stories I have written. Substitute @ fot [at] in the email id provided!

P. S. I read about the cock incident in the newspapers. I still have a cutting at home. If ever I need some money from you, something to the tune of a few crores of rupees, I will threaten to mail photocopies of the cutting to all the females in your school. And the cleaner too for good measure. Looking forward to getting in touch with you!

The Problem of Humanity

The problem facing all of humanity, and I say this based on my impeccable qualifications of being a person with nothing better to do than write blog articles, is that of, hold your breath, shaving! Yes! All of the major disputes that men have can be traced to a bad shave in the morning. Nothing irritates the male brain (Yes, such a thing does exist) as much as the sting of the perspiration on the cut that he has inflicted on himself while trying to shave and brush his teeth simultaneously, while concurrently polishing his shoes. (Talk about multi-tasking!)

For those who don't know what I am talking about (read : Females), here's a basic lowdown on the art and science of shaving.

Wash your face.
Look in the mirror.
Debate over whether to shave or not.
Damn the shave. I'm late for office.
Return to bathroom because mother / sister / wife / neighbour's wife or any female grimaces at the way you look. (Point to be noted : males shave because of females)
Wash face once again.
Apply shaving cream and make a Santa Claus of yourself.
Start shaving while mother / sister / wife / neighbour's wife gives you expert advice about what style of beard will suit you.
Remember that your boss was due in early today.
Nick yourself in atleast three different places and use atleast three different swear words each time.
Now comes the worst part : After shave lotion!
Ooh! Aah! Ouch! Eeeeeeks! Help! Help! Help!
Suffer from bad mood the whole day.

And so it goes. The male has to suffer the trauma of having to shave at least once a week lest the suave and uptown society will take him to be a neanderthal person, who has no manners, talks loudly in public, yawns with his mouth open and has a hairy face. Once the person has done shaving though, they no longer think of him this way. Now he is a neanderthal person, who has no manners, talks loudly in public, yawns with his mouth open and is clean shaven. What a difference that makes!

Coming back to the topic at hand, i.e. that of the problem of humanity. Most of the world's leaders, sportsmen, media people, lingerie manufacturers, and others have often been caught on their bad "hair" days. They have been misquoted... correction, they have been quoted, and correctly quoted, about their feelings about the increasing world hunger, the role of drugs in sports, the coverage of live events, the increasing problem the industry is facing due to increase in breast implants which consequently results in them having to manufacture larger and larger brassieres, which nobody purchases anyway, because they are kept in the extra large section where no females are to be found. All the females consider themselves to be in the "small" size fraction. At the best, they can be medium. A woman wouldn't want to be caught dead browsing in the large section at any garment store. The male equivalent of this would be getting caught buying a book titled "The offside rule explained for dummies". Yes, we males are really good at spotting offsides, especially if they are in favour of the team that we are supporting. Most of the times the linesman does get the calls right. But occasionally, he might get it wrong due to some reason, such as his wife having asked him to keep a french beard when in actuality he wanted to sport a goatee.

The reason I am writing all of this should be plainly obvious to all by now. I had a really bad shave this morning. And though I had intended to write about the actual problem of humanity and my solution to it to unite the world and bring world peace (whatever that means. Go ask the Miss Universe / World contestants) However, I started writing about this problem. Shaving could indeed be the reason for the unrest in the world. Other reasons could be poor organisation, lack of planning, dearth of food, religious intolerances, poor memory, etc. etc. I wonder what I have been talking about in this article. Please send me a reminder. I will get back to you after I apply the after shave lotion.

Ooh! Aah! Ouch! Eeeeeeks! Help! Help! Help!

Rain and associated Maladies

The funny thing about rain (other than the fact that it rhymes with pain) is that there is always someone who manages to get the prediction right and then keeps harping about it for the rest of her/his life. Take for instance the people who had gotten the prediction for 26th July, 2005 right. These are the people who claim they knew beforehand about the existence of a 15km high or wide or long cloud over Mumbai. And then they will keep on repeating "I told you to take your umbrella along".

I am a student of Environmental Engineering and after two semesters of training, I can say this with certainty about rain : It's unpredictable! No, seriously, when somebody asks me about the unpredictability of the rain and the reasons for the same, alarm bells start ringing in my head. I realize that I am probably going to be dragged into the "is industrialization / vehicular pollution / increasing population / reservation / etc etc. the reason for the unprecedented rainfall variations"
People have their own opinions and they will go to any extents to defend them and I am not ruling out legal lawsuits, knives and guns.

Lawyer : "Your honour, the defendant refused to accept my client's point of view, thereby causing him inhuman depression and irreversible mental damage. He now thinks that he is the President of India and that he is the brains behind India's Nuclear Program."

Judge : "Is that true?"

Client : "Yes it is. And now if you permit me, I have to leave. I have a meeting with Dr. Kakodkar. The Americans have delayed the Uranium consignment...."

Judge : "I sentence the defendant guilty and direct him to pay the client a sum of $ 20 million in damages"

As is plainly obvious, I would rather accept the other person's point of view than the punitive damages (not that I have $ 20 million on me, but hey! why take risks?) So, I make some weird noises, as if I am suffering from stomach trouble and this causes sufficient alarm in most social circles for these opinionists to keep away from me. I am sure they are moving around in other circles saying that my stomach troubles are the cause of increased methane in the atmosphere and that as a precautionary measure against increase in the greenhouse effect, the government should take preventive action, such as denying me the right to purchase proteinaceous foods.

But then, I am deviating from the principal topic at hand. Which by now you have forgotten. So here's a reminder. I was talking about the pain from the rain. When the rains arrive, they bring with them a host of problems : viral fevers, colds, coughs, pregnancies (Not really, but I am sure that caught your attention! ;-)) Not to mention delayed trains, buses, deliveries (I am talking about transportation and courier people, not pregnant women, you moron!) Anyway, so that is what I want to say about the rains. And in case you disagree, I am already off the proteinaceous foodstuffs, so please don't sue me!

W. E. D.

Contrary to popular belief, this article is not about the institution of marriage. It's about the World Environment Day. (For once, I did not have to come up with a funny acronym!) As usual, the World Environment Day came and went by without anyone noticing it. Okay, there was the occasional spurt on the telly about the W. E. D, but in general, it was given as much attention as the spread of the bubonic plague on Antartica.

Reporter : This is Mr. "Freezing to Death" Ramamurthy reporting from Antartica. Recently, an outbreak of the dreaded bubonic plague has hit this frozen continent, forcing all the mammals residing here to go on an indefinite hunger strike against the reservations.

Newsreader : We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties. We will be back with Mr. Ramamurthy as soon as possible.

Thanks to the reservation issue hogging so much of the limelight, we have been spared the agony of listening to appalling headlines such as plague in antartica, ozone layer gone over the poles, India losing another one-dayer (okay, that is old news, but hey! the channels like to regurgitate), kangaroos dying in Australia, Tigers disappearing from Sri Lanka (not the LTTE, you moron!) and other such non-essential and miscellany that could hardly affect our lives in any conceivable manner. Who cares what happens in the jungle, as long as the 8:15 local is on time and I make it to the office before my boss does?

Coming back to W. E. D., it's seriously high time we took up the cause of the environment. It is the environment that gives us so much, right from the potatoes for the wafers to the potatoes for wafers! I mean, isn't the environment the source of all the good things in life? We get coffee beans, cocoa beans and many other beans (including bean laaden) from nature. Without the plethora that Mother Nature has to offer, life as we know it would be quite mundane and uneventful. We wouldn't have stories about people being mauled by bears, bitten by snakes, eaten by piranhas, etc, etc. It is definitely important to preserve these species to add some zest and spice to our daily news.

News Reader : We are back online. Mr. Ramamurthy, what is the status of the plague in the Antartica?

Mr. Ramamurthy : Currently, the spread of the plague is quite rapid and we are seeing some wild antartica foxes huddled together, in what seems a meeting to decide the cure for the reservation issue that is currently troubling them. Correction, it seems that they are huddled together as a measure against the cold. But what the heck, they seem to be...

News Reader : We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties again. In other news, Mr Arjun S. said that blah blah blah
(News Room Director : Get that Ramamurthy back here and post him to outside Mr. Arjun's house!)

As I said, W. E. D. came and went and nobody noticed. Not that my article made any amends by talking about it in any detail, but at least I made a sincere attempt! You gotta give me credit for that! Pretty soon, because of the global warming and the associated problems, we are going to have to live in Antartica. Mr. Ramamurthy and his reserved animals are waiting for us.

A Plain (Pain) Trip

Recently I was on a jumpy flight from Paris to Mumbai. The flight was delayed (as usual) and I had to spend a lot of time at Charles De Gaulle airport (motto : We've got the gaul!)
The French language is funny for a person who has spent his life speaking languages like Marathi and Hindi, where the word is pronounced as a combination of the alphabets. As in, the word is pronounced as the individual alphabets in a sequence. The French language disregards many of the alphabet and consequently, this leads to a lot of confusion for travellers. Consider the prime example of Champs Elysees which is pronounced as Shawz Elize (I am not sure if I have got that right. Try searching for "pronunciation of Champs Elysees" on google.)

So, anyway, coming back to the flight. As usual, I have managed to stray from the topic at hand. I was on my way back to Mumbai after attending an International Trade Fair called (really!) BALLS. This was a convention for Steel Ball Bearing Manufacturers (motto : We've got the world by the balls!) And, as I've already stated, this flight was jumpy. This caused some kids on the flight... Correction, this caused all the kids (and there was a large number of them) to feel queasy and loud. In case you don't know what feeling loud is like, try travelling on a jumpy flight with atleast twenty three children below the age of eight. Believe me, you will need hearing aids for the rest of your life. The damage caused to my ear drums was more severe than the one I had sustained when a friend forced me to attend a rock concert without ear muffs on.

If there was anything worse than the jumpy kids, who were feeling loud, it had to be their parents. Most of the parents were sound asleep and some of them even had the gall to snore loudly! It was outrageous. They should have probably been soothing their children instead of getting some shut eye. Some of them were holding whispered conversations. I can imagine what they might have been talking about.

Wife : "Honey, Ashley is at it again. She is shouting her lungs out. All the passengers are staring at us. Why don't we do something?"
Husband : "Yes. Get some sleep. And try snoring. We wouldn't want the passengers to feel deprived, would we? They are probably still wondering why we aren't asleep. If we don't fall asleep soon, they will personally come over and ensure that we are asleep, so that they can then grind their respective teeth in seething frustration over their inability to reduce the amount of noise on this plane"

Most of the "Regular Flying" customers were already grinding their teeth. They were probably used to this kind of a thing. I wasn't. It's not everyday that you get to visit Paris to see BALLS. I was really upset and decided to give atleast one parent of a jumpy child a piece of my mind.

Me : "Would you please quieten your child?"

Parent Of Rowdy Kid (PORK) : "Snore..."

Me : "Excuse me! I am talking to you. Please ensure that your child is seated and that he isn't making any noise. It's causing damned inconvenience to the other passengers..."

PORK : "Are you the airhostess? Oh, you are an airhost, eh? Please get me a glass of water. Thank you"

Me : "I am not the airhost or airhostess or the pilot. I am just an inconvenienced passenger and I am here to ask you to silence your child..."

PORK (angrily): "You woke ME up to tell me THAT!"

Me : "Well, I am sorry for that. But just in case you haven't noticed, nobody else is getting any sleep, thanks to your ward"

PORK : "So? What do you suggest?"

Me : "I suggest that you use the paper napkins the nice flight attendants have given and shove them into his mouth to stop him from shouting out loud. Or you could try strangling him with the beautiful necklace your wife is wearing..."

PORK (handing me the necklace) : "Good. You go ahead and do it. And when you are done, get me the glass of water... Snore..."

This left me feeling stupid and a bit richer, as I now held a pearl necklace in my hand. But money wasn't on my mind at that particular point of time. Sleep was. And the darned kids were ruining my forty winks. In a final fit of rage and frustration, I called the flight attendant.

Me : "Could you please take these kids someplace else and have them make a little less noise?"

Flight ATtendanT (FATT): "I am sorry sir, that is impossible to do"

Me : "Impossible? Surely, you have been trained to handle this sort of stuff?"

FATT : "Sir, the noise of the kids is soothing to the captain. He prefers it to the whine of the turbine. As it is, there was some problem with the turbines and he has had to shut them down. One hell of a noise they were making. As long as the kids are shouting, all the passengers will focus their energies on finding a way to mutilate the vocal chords of these kids and nobody will realise that the plane is going down. In the meantime, the pilot can radio the Air Traffic Controller and ask for directions to use his and our parachutes. Have a nice flight, Sir!"

THE END?

Continuation sheet

In Engineering Design, whenever you have to continue your calculations, you use the continuation sheet. My mind is still on the same page as yesterday, but there are many thoughts that I would still like to pen down. So, consider this article as a continuation from where I left off yesterday.

From my previous article, you will recall (if you don't recall, scroll down the page and read the previous article, you dummy! Duh! :-)) I was speaking about the reservation issue. These days, with the rising population of India and the increased per capita income, it has become virtually impossible for anyone to get a train reservation. No, no! Not that reservation! I was just kidding, the point that was to be made is about reservation quotas. These days, even in railways, you have these reservation quotas. It's really funny. The day after they introduce these quotas, we will see three toilets (instead of the usual two) in each coach of long distance trains. One Indian style, one Western style and one with the words RESERVED printed on it's doors. Imagine the plight of the foreign long distance traveller who MUST visit the loo and finds that only the RESERVED toilet is vacant. He has no option but to rush in and relieve himself. This is when the vigilant railway officers (again, belonging to the backward classes) will break in and ask him just what the hell does he think he is doing. He will probably be asked to first produce proof that he is from the backward community and then he will be asked a million questions about his ancestors, such as if they were ever tortured, mutilated, fondled, called racist names, etc etc, by the upper caste classes. Then they will move on to asking him about his financial well-being and whether he thinks he can apply for EBC scholarship. Of course, the foreigner doesn't fit in any of this, therefore, he is fitted out of the toilet. Rather, he is lifted out of the toilet. But then, this is all crap (if you get my drift) and this is all just a figment of my imagination. I should stop writing about such obscene and gross things. There are more important issues to think about, such as the possible outbreaks of violence between pro-reservation and anti-reservation people, whether the outcome of this move will indeed be a shining India, what is going to be served for lunch, whether I will be successful in implementing my new diet strategy, whether the movie The DaVinci Code will change christianity as we know it. So many important things to think of than simply talking about foreginers shitting in RESERVED toilets! :-)

I know, I know. I have drifted from the topic at hand. But I sincerely believe that whatever the leaders of the nation are doing is really in the best interests of the nation! I am sure that pretty soon we are going to see a really bright and shining India. I am sure I will appreciate it from the United States of America. I have already applied for citizenship there! ;-)

The Real Thing

I agree. The previous post was bad. However, it is better to read such poorly written blogs than to satiate your daily appetite for some reading, with the dismal news that reservation for backward classes has now been increased to 200%, meaning that even the seats that don't exist are reserved for backward class people, further meaning that open category or general category people cannot even dream about admission to higher education. Whew!

Okay, fine! I was kidding. The reservation has not been increased to 200%, it still lies at a miserly 189%. This figure was derived by the politicians using highly mathematical operations, considering the various populations in the country, their economic status and above all, their votability i.e. the fraction of the population that is above 18 years of age. The actual figure came out to be 180%, but they put in the extra nine percent for good measure.

Most of my articles are the source of some minor controversies. I have irked females, guy gays, lesbians, some guy lesbians, politicians, their dogs, gay politicians dogs', gay dogs of politicians. To summarise, I have irked a lot of people with my blog articles. I don't intend to irk the minority community with this article. I don't have anything against them. The reason that they are fooled by the politicians gimmicks is because they are uneducated. Imagine a backward caste person (who doesn't even have a primary education) hearing about the increase in the reservation quota. "Hey!", he will think, "That's a great move! I don't have a primary education, but I might be able to get admission to Medical College! I probably will have to sell my land for affording the education, but what the heck! I will have a Dr. before my name!" As has been oft repeated, backward category (if I may dare use the word. I am not racist, its just that I am not aware of the "politically" correct way of calling these people) people require financial aid rather than reservations. They require financial aid for primary and secondary education, dammit! Why are you offering them more seats at the higher education level? Teach them the basics first and make them independent. But then, the electoral outcomes will be disastrous, won't they?

Hmm... It feels good to write after all these days. I am not entirely happy with the outcome of this article. Not entirely funny, but then there is seriously very little humour to be found in such a grave issue anyway. I am so glad to have gotten back to publishing that I don't care if some pro-reservation guy/gal (no gender bias in my language! :-)) calls me up in the middle of the night because my article has irked him/her. That I can handle. As I have handled the calls of the females, guy gays, lesbians, some guy lesbians, politicians, their dogs, gay politicians dogs', gay dogs of politicians.

Been gone a long time

I know, I know. I have been gone a long time. Regular readers (as if there was a large number of them in the first place) had been complaining to me about the dismal lack of activity on my blog page. They said that life had become really boring and they needed their source of booger humour back. I couldn't disappoint them. So, here I am, back with a bang!

BANG!

The city that I love

Mumbai.




The Camera

Morning on a winter day.

Hostel 12 at Indian Institute of Technology, Bombay

The unchecked growth of the city

Twilight time at the Queen's Necklace

A special palm tree : one with branches

Arsenal 2 - Juventus 0!!!

http://www.espnstar.com/chl/chl_reportdetail_1669089.html

Patrick Vieira's return to Arsenal was ruined by Arsene Wenger's new generation. Wenger insisted on the eve of the Champions League quarter-final first leg that he had sold Vieira to Juventus to make way for young stars like Cesc Fabregas. The youngsters responded with a performance to match and will take a two-goal lead to Turin for the second leg next week.

Vieira will not be part of that game after a yellow card means he will be suspended. It was Vieira's replacement Fabregas who stole the show at an atmospheric Highbury against a Juve team who ended the night with nine men.

The teenager grabbed the opening goal with a super-cool finish in the 40th minute and then set up the second for Thierry Henry in the 68th minute. Vieira had insisted there would be no nerves and no emotions for him as he played at Highbury for the first time since his £13.7million move to the Italian champions in the summer but he must have felt strange as he appeared in black and white stripes.

He had nine years at Arsenal and the North Bank belted out his song before kick-off. The prodigal son acknowledged them, clasping his hands above his head, but two minutes into a frantic opening and the niceties appeared all over. Vieira dumped Fabregas on his backside and then did the same to Jose Reyes.

Vieira and Emerson were on patrol in central midfield, and they tried to hard to impose themselves on the Gunners. Wenger's boys were not intimidated, however, and started to attack their visitors with quickfire passing moves. Fabregas collected a neat flick from Robert Pires in the 16th minute but dragged his shot across goal and wide.

Henry twice tried to catch Gianluigi Buffon by surprise with quickly-taken free-kicks from the edge of the area but he was off target with them both. The Highbury crowd turned on Vieira in the 39th minute when he collapsed to the turf from a challenge from Fabregas.

They thought their former hero was making a meal of it and jeered until he got to his feet. Moments later, it got even worse for Vieira when he was dispossessed in midfield by Pires and Arsenal sprang out to open the scoring. The quick pass from Pires to Henry set the move in motion and he passed the ball swiftly on to Fabregas.

The Spaniard took a touch and then twisted clear of defender Lilian Thuram before pulling a low shot into the bottom corner of the net. Highbury erupted and was still buzzing when Arsenal almost doubled the lead seconds later.

Henry beat Fabio Cannavaro and flashed a low shot across the face of goal. Cannavaro made two brilliant interceptions before the Italians launched their response with their best spell of the game. Kolo Toure made an incredible saving tackle to rob Zlatan Ibrahimovic after the big Swede looked ready to unleash an effort on goal.

Jens Lehmann had little to do in the first half but suddenly needed to be on his toes. He smothered a low shot from Gianluca Zambrotta and his defence resisted the surge. The German `keeper managed to protect his goal for the rest of the game and Arsenal equalised AC Milan's Champions League record of seven clean sheets on the trot.

Arsenal, having beaten Real Madrid in the last round, were bidding to reach the semi-final of the European Cup for the first time in their history. They are playing their best football of the season and the second half's purple patch gave them a two-goal cushion.

Alexander Hleb cut inside from the left to test Buffon and the Italian international `keeper dived to his left to save. Buffon could do nothing, however, in the 68th minute when the Gunners extended their lead.

It was Hleb who launched another attack from midfield, this time finding Fabregas who had raced forward untracked. Fabregas shaped to shoot as though he was going to hit the ball first time but then squared the ball to Henry in front of goal. The pass lobbed a fraction behind the Frenchman but he reached back with his right foot, controlled it neatly and swivelled to fire it into the net.

Vieira picked up his booking in the 71st minute for a foul on Reyes and it sparked 20 minutes of indiscipline from Juventus. Mauro Camoranesi, booked in the first half, picked up his second yellow card of the night for a foul on Arsenal sub Robin van Persie, four minutes from time.

He marched off and was soon followed by full-back Jonathan Zebina who picked up his second booking of the night in the dying minutes of the game for a foul on Henry. Both players will also miss next week's return in the Stadio della Alpi.

A lesson in Plain Jacking

I read in the newspaper a few days ago about a boy calling up the airport to delay a flight because his girlfriend was on it and he didn't want her to leave. Now in case his wife was on board, he'd personally go to the airport and hold off any terrorists planting a bomb on the plane.

Terrorist At The Airport (TATA) : If anyone tries any smart moves, I will blow the whole place to smithereens!

A Man Busy Accosting New Immigrants (AMBANI) : Hey, you can't do that sort of a thing in here.

TATA : (Taken aback) Why not?

AMBANI : Because this is the Mumbai International Airport. The staff is on strike, the planes are late, and the loos stink. And on top of that, if you make a ruckus, the junta will plain kill you. Get that? Plain kill you in an airport! Ha ha ha.

TATA : Ha ha ha. (He shoots AMBANI) What the heck? (turns around to find a man with three suitcases and two handbags, who's rushing past him) Just what the heck do you think you are doing?

Harried Man : I am carrying my wife's luggage to the plane.
TATA : She is leaving, is she?
HM : Oh Yeah! You bet!
TATA : Okay fellas, bombing called off till further notice.

Such is the deep understanding that males share you know. We males are constantly blamed for being insensitive jerks, people who ask "What's for dinner?" at a condolence meeting, who have the sensitivity and etiquette that a mature rhino has. I hope this particular display of sensitivity, by a terrorist nonetheless, should kill all those doubts. In case the doubts are not killed, the terrorist will kill the people having those doubts.

So, coming back to the boy who made the call. There was no need to cause such furore over such a trivial thing as a girlfriend going away. He should have delayed the flight if she was coming back. By making such a hoax call, he caused unnecessary hassles to people. Some people suffering from hypertension had heart attacks, some women went into labour even though they weren't pregnant (Hey! Stress can do that to you!) and many people jumped off the plane and landed with a "Thump!" on the tarmac. Now, if he had made that call when the plane was in mid-air, the passengers would have been saved the trouble of landing on the tarmac. Such an inconsiderate chap the boy is.

I have an idea for the terrorists who keep hijacking planes and airports and keep asking for things in return. In the process, they end up killing a lot of people and destroying many nice things such as airport chairs, custom free shops, etc. Such a waste. They should not do this to custom free shops. Instead of using ammunition or firepower, they should threaten to disable the plumbing system of the airport. That will cause absolute mayhem, because given the kind of food that is served on airlines, God only knows what reaches the toilets! Yuck! My advice to potential "jackers" (pun unintended) is that "Drop the gun! Get the spanner"

P.S. Just make sure that you are considerate enough to let the man's wife's plane leave. And don't kill AMBANI, just conk him on the head with the spanner.

Valentine's Day

The problem with Valentine's Day (other than the fact that such a stupid day actually exists) is that on this day, Government Regulations require you to confess your love to one female. You are right. I am kidding. The real Regulation goes thus :

To whomsoever it may concern :
We, the Constitutioners of India, by the Powers vested (wasted?) in us hereby do declare the following
On the Fourteenth of the Second Month of every year, every male shall have to propose to women, and in the act of doing so have to consume at least three pairs of sandals, two pairs of high heels and any other miscellany that the woman deems fit for his consumption.

Second Amendment :
In case the woman in question does respond positively to the aforesaid proposal, the proposee (hereonwards known as the mortgagee) will sign a non-conditional surrender of all his properties, material or otherwise and start living like a hermit. The proposed reserves the right to manhandle, mutilate, murder, maul and any other miscellany that she wishes to the proposee.


Glossary

Expletives : the words that a female uses to praise the proposee. Leading eg. Besharam, Chor, Naalaayak, et al.

Hermit : defined as a person who lives a spartan life. Also called Husband.

High heels : the footwear of women designed to leave a deep gash on the proposee. Very useful against the persistent proposee.

Male : defined as a human being with a brain the size of half a peanut, who has the following tendencies : scratching himself in full public view, dressing up with mismatching pairs of socks, and in general having no business existing on the planet in the first place.

Propose : defined as the process of setting fire to your own house, not literally but figuratively.

Sandals : women's footwear that is effective against only the less persistent proposee. It is more effective when used in combination with High heels or Expletives.

Whole : almost equal to zero.

Woman : a class of human beings that is a class apart. This species has a brain the size of a whole peanut. While it is true that the plural of woman may be women, this has got nothing to do with the fact that the general IQ of women is less than that of a woman. That is because, each woman thinks that she is smarter than the rest of her species and therefore, the others contribute to the lowering of the IQ average.

Women : defined as human beings with a brain the size of three-fourths of a peanut, who have the following tendencies : always thinking and doing things rightly, always thinking and saying the right things and in general, never stop saying anything

Guys out there are probably thinking where they could find my phone number. Then they would call me up and personally congratulate me for having the guts to actually sit down and read the Constitution. Actually, they will congratulate me for having the guts to write the truth. But that is the kind of a person I am. I don't mind reading kilometres of utter rubbish to find out an ounce of truth. And yes, I don't mind writing the truth either! :-)

Razing Buildings

The latest craze to hit Mumbai has been the drive to raze buildings to the ground. Now, the word raze is quite funny a word, because it sounds like raise. This can be the cause of a lot of confusion, not in India though, because demolishers don't speak English. The first time I had heard the word, it was in a sentence which went thus : "They razed the mountain". Now, as a young lad of six, I was very much impressed by this, and my next query was "Who raised Mount Everest?". This question was received with much laughter and that left a lasting impression on my impressionable mind. Which was that one should never ask questions in the vicinity of elders, especially the kind who have mundane jobs and who have no source of entertainment other than laughing at young kids with impressionable minds. But then, I am, as always, careening away from the topic of hand, which is the demolition of buildings in and around Mumbai.

The demolition of buildings has caused quite a stir, as most politicians own some of these buildings. Correction, some politicians own most of the buildings. One can imagine the plight of the person in charge of demolition. Here he is, all gung-ho and full of enthusiasm to complete his quota of twenty Buildings Per hOur (bpo). (Hey, it's the Internet Age, you have to have trendy names for mediocre things too!)

Contractor : "Okay. Here we go. Get that bull dozer ready, we got to destroy this building on Plot 41, Site 23! Get the explosives! Get..."

Assistant : "Sir, we can't raze this building."

C : "Move the people out of the building. Get them to vacate their houses. Eh? What was that?"
A : "We can't demolish this building. It belongs to Dilasrao."
C : "Oh! Aah... Ahem. Why didn't you tell me that before. Okay, you bunch of lazies, get moving. Time's a wasting. Let's get to Plot 42, Site 23. Get the explosives! Get..."
A : "Ahem. Sir, that one belongs to Ramayan Pane."
C : "Ramayan who?"
A : "Ramayan Pane, Sir. The defector from Leave Sena"
C : "Aah... Strike that name off the list. Is there any building here which does not belong to any politician?"
A : "There is one such building, Sir. But it is not flouting any rules or regulations. It is a totally legal construction, their FSI is less than 1.5, they have the necessary land ownership papers, they have used high quality Dumb Uja cement..."
C : "Dumb Uja cement? Dumb Uja cememt! They have the gumption to use Dumb Uja in my precinct? I had given strict orders for everyone to use Gir la cement. That way, we can save on the money for demolition. The buildings fall down themselves. This will not do, get the bull dozers. We have a building to raze".

And so it goes. The contractor gets his 20 BPOs, at the cost of legal residents. The illegal residents are probably enjoying the utilities that Mumbai has to offer free of cost. Just because they are related to Dilasrao or Ramayan. The future of Mumbai is in safe hands, mind you. This is because, pretty soon, it is going to be rid of corruption. Corruption can exist when there are some law-abiding citizens, who are God-fearing and they pay their electricity and water and telephone bills on time. They are the ones who always buy tickets whenever they board a train, they are the ones who ensure that Mumbai struggles on forward. Once all of them are forced to leave Mumbai, there will be only corrupt people remaining and that in itself will be a source of hilarity. Consider this conversation :

Person 1 : "I have to get this contract passed"
Person 2 : "You will have to give me Rs. 10000 as a cut to get it passed"
P1 : "You will have to give me Rs. 20000 to ensure that you get that Rs. 10000 cut. I have a business to run. There are other people waiting in line."
P2 : "Okay. Do you accept cheques?"
P1 : "Cheques? Hell No! Have you lost it? I am going to lodge a complaint against you at the Corruption Bureau. How dare you offer an Honest, Corrupt Businessman a Cheque! This is an insult to the corrupt community."
P2 : "Please. I have my wife and neighbours kids to feed..."

That's the way to do it, Gunners!

The Gunners have done what they do best : Score goals to silence the critics. All you doubting thomases out there who had thought that Arsenal have lost it, think again. Sure, we lack Vieira, our on the road performance has not been up to par (Arsenal were called "Kings on the Road" till just last year), but I believe that we will bounce back! Go, Gunners, Go!

Thierry Henry equalled Cliff Bastin's club record with a stunning hat-trick as Arsenal hit a magnificent seven against miserable Middlesbrough at Highbury. Henry struck twice in the first half and then equalled Bastin's total of 150 league goals when he raced on to a pass from Jose Antonio Reyes in the 68th minute.

Arsenal dominated the game and were 4-0 up at half-time thanks to Henry's brace and two other goals from Philippe Senderos and Robert Pires. Gilberto headed a fifth on the hour before Henry capped a scintillating display with his third. Alexander Hleb completed the rout five minutes from time as Arsenal equalled their previous best performance in the Barclays Premiership.

The last time the Gunners had struck seven without reply was against Everton last May and Middlesbrough simply had no answer as Arsenal dominated the game from the start. They signalled their intentions as early as the third minute when Gilberto's attempted pass to Reyes was deflected into the path of Freddie Ljungberg. His shot, from the edge of the penalty area, did not have the required power or direction to evade Brad Jones - selected in the Boro goal ahead of transfer-seeking Mark Schwarzer again - but it was a warning Middlesbrough should have heeded.

In the seventh minute, Arsenal were awarded a free-kick within Henry's shooting range after Matthew Bates had fouled Cesc Fabregas but the Frenchman's effort was not high enough to beat Boro's defensive wall. Bates was again the guilty party in the 11th minute when he felled Reyes on the edge of the penalty area but this time Henry's curling free-kick evaded the wall and grazed the outside of Jones' left-hand upright.

The breakthrough arrived in the 20th minute when Ljungberg's perfectly-measured cross from the right wing was powerfully volleyed beyond Jones by the waiting Henry for his 14th goal of the season. Seconds later Fabregas forced Jones to tip a 25-yard drive around the post as the home side tore into Boro. But Senderos added the second from the resulting corner when he rose unmarked to head Reyes' corner into the net from six yards.

In the 29th minute Arsenal underlined their superiority with a third goal and again it was skipper Henry who delivered it. Reyes supplied the ammunition and the deadly striker was left with just Jones to beat as the young Boro goalkeeper raced out of his area. Quick-thinking Henry elected to clip the ball past Jones before he could reach him to increase Arsenal's lead. With the game over as far as Arsenal were concerned, manager Arsene Wenger opted to replace Pascal Cygan with fit again England left-back Ashley Cole nine minutes before the interval.

Cole was back in action for the first time since he fractured a bone in his foot last October and his appearance was greeted by a huge cheer from the home supporters. Henry turned provided in the closing seconds of the first half when he provided the pass for Pires to curl a delightful shot into the top corner for Arsenal's fourth. In the 51st minute Henry should have completed a hat-trick but skied his shot over the crossbar from eight yards after Ljungberg had cut inside inside debutant Andrew Taylor and crossed low from the right.

In the 59th minute, Doriva was booked for a foul on Reyes and Arsenal scored their fifth goal seconds later when Gilberto headed home Henry's free-kick despite desperate attempts by Jones to keep the ball out of the net. Jones prevented Ljungberg from making it six in the 65th minute when he rushed out to stop the Swede from finishing off another clever move by the home side.

It was now just a question of whether Henry could equal Highbury legend Bastin's record - and the home fans did not have long to wait to celebrate as the Frenchman achieved the feat in the 68th minute by racing on to a pass from Reyes and firing past the hapless Jones. The afternoon took a further turn for the worse for Boro in the 73rd minute when Doriva was sent off for a second bookable offenceafter pulling back Henry.

Middlesbrough hit the crossbar in the 79th minute through defender Chris Riggott and Yakubu forced Jens Lehmann into his first save of the match from the rebound but Henry then turned provider in 85th minute by supplying the cross which fell kindly for Hleb to hit the seventh.

Original article available at http://www.espnstar.com/epl/epl_reportdetail_1550058.html

50th Post : Some good things to look forward to

This is my 50th post. I decided that instead of writing it myself, I put up something that I am really looking forward to : An Arsenal revival. Gunners Rule!

Wenger : Henry is key to the future.
Arsene Wenger declared that Thierry Henry's decision to commit his future to Arsenal could prove a turning point in the club's fortunes as he vowed to build a team around his captain. The Gunners manager was speaking ahead of the north London outfit's League Cup semi-final first leg away to Wigan on Tuesday night.

Wenger has used young players and reserves in the tournament until now but with a 24-point deficit on Chelsea in the league, the League Cup has taken on added significance at Highbury.

The Frenchman admitted that "negative vibes" had surrounded Highbury since the start of the season following the departure of Patrick Vieira and the team's slump in Premiership fortunes.

However, he revealed his determination to start talks with Henry "the quicker, the better" as he looked to transform Arsenal's season after such a big psychological boost.

Henry's declaration that he intended to see out the end of his career at Arsenal - provided the club prove they can match his ambitions - was followed by a 2-1 win against Cardiff in the FA Cup third round on Saturday.

Wenger duly paid tribute to his exciting young players, such as Robin van Persie and Jose Antonio Reyes, who have shown their rich promise, but he still hailed Henry as the foundation stone for the club's future.

The Arsenal boss declared: "We have young players developing very well and maturing quickly into great players.

"But they need to be surrounded by players of top class with experience. In the next three or four years, Thierry is, of course, the person who can do that. Can we build a team around him? Yes.

"It's an exciting period for the club and a difficult one as well. There's a lot of potential in the side but you don't know how quickly they will explode.

"I believe we can be a surprising team in the second part of the season. There were a lot of negative vibes around the club from the start of the season because Patrick Vieira left and because we didn't do as well in the Premiership as we are used to.

"So it's important we turn that around. Thierry is, of course, part of that. But we believe we will turn it around and we are a club with huge ambition."

Arsenal's win against Cardiff was achieved without Henry, who was rested along with Sol Campbell, Jens Lehmann and Cesc Fabregas, while Kolo Toure and Emmanuel Eboue were unavailable on international duty.

The big guns should be back for the trip to the JJB stadium against the season's big surprise package.

Article is from ESPN-Star Sports web-site and can be found at http://www.espnstar.com/epl/epl_newsdetail_1660407.html

Holidays and the Writer's Block

I have noticed that I have a tendency to start my blog articles with "I". And while some may argue that this is a sure sign of my egocentric tendencies, I differ on them on this account. And while it's true that everyone has a right to form his/her opinion, I have the right to call them dummies if the opinion is about me and people call me something I am not. I am not egocentric. Megalomaniac, maybe. But definitely not egocentric. How can you call me egocentric when I am involved in so many unselfish activities such as making people laugh, criticising Ganguly, staying at home and not venturing out to increase the crowd in trains, buses and roads in general. I hope the previous statement makes sense to you, because it does not make any sense to me, even after I've read it ten times.

I do not know about egocentric tendency but I do have a tendency to drift from what I want to start speaking about. Today I am going to try and speak about the mental block that develop s in my mind when I am having vacations. And I am going to try and limit the laissez aller (lack of restraint) of my brain on my fingers. I will try to prevent them from typing words such as paraskevidekatriphobia (fear of Friday the Thirteenth). In case you have not noticed, I am using long words but I am also giving their meanings within brackets. And in case you still have not noticed, I have drifted from the topic at hand. I like to believe that the reader does not realise that I stray because I have a commanding style of writing. But I know that the truth is that the reader is more interested in the links that appear elsewhere on the blog, giving one access to unlimited porn.

Anyway, so back to today's topic. Whenever I have a vacation, my mind is the first that goes into the holiday mood. This puts the rest of my body in a lurch, as it has to make important decisions such as "Should I scratch my armpit now? Or later?" on it's own. And of course, there is the important activity of writing my blog. I know that I do not always use my brain while doing this, but it is true that I need the brain to sign in to the publishing page. After that, my fingers take over and start typing things like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (a nonsense word which means fantastic). Sorry about that. That is what happens when your brain is not in the same pincode as your hands are. The writer's block is what has affected me, then and this has resulted in some really poor posts. This has been brought to my notice by as many as one reader.

Anyway, while on the topic of holidays, I'd like to cite a recent chat conversation I had with a pen-friend of mine who lives in Timbuktoo. Or is it Tibet? Anyway, she lives some place other than India, where I presume the leaders are slave drivers, who do not care about anything other than making themselves rich and enforcing whatever they write on others. (which is not quite different from what I do. But at least you can navigate away from this page whenever you want!) This statement I make from her revelation that the total number of holidays they have in a year is 70. Imagine that! Only 70 holidays. That would mean only 18 holidays other than the weekly off. That is indeed pathetic. Imagine the plight of that person if she comes to India.

Pen friend : I am really glad to be in India!
Me : Yeah. Me too. I sure am glad that you have come here on a holiday. That way I can spend some time with you!
PF : I wouldn't know about that. I have to be back in my country by day after tomorrow. I have had the hardest time of my life securing this holiday. I had to sacrifice two holidays in the next year for this one.
Me : Aah... That's too bad!
PF : Yeah, it is. Anyway, what holiday are you having now? I hope I am not making you sacrifice anything.
Me : No, no. Nothing at all. In fact, even if you would have come the next week, you would have found me free.
PF : Oh! But that would have depended on which day I would have arrived, wouldn't it?
Me : No. I am having the entire next week off.
PF : How so? Oh, your country clubs all it's holidays together? That is a great idea. I think I should suggest it in my country. However, if they (the leaders) do not like the idea, they will confiscate the rest of my lifetime's holidays!
Me : What a terrible thing to do! And no, my country does not club it's holidays together. I am allowed a total of 20 Casual leaves, 20 Sick leaves, around 30 days for a personal vacation and I can draw upon unused holidays from the previous year or the forthcoming five years

THUD! (Sound of PF fainting)

Again, I have strayed from the point at hand. I think this article is funny, though. I hope that my critic laughs so much that she falls off her chair. That would serve her right for criticising me in the first place!