Razing Buildings

The latest craze to hit Mumbai has been the drive to raze buildings to the ground. Now, the word raze is quite funny a word, because it sounds like raise. This can be the cause of a lot of confusion, not in India though, because demolishers don't speak English. The first time I had heard the word, it was in a sentence which went thus : "They razed the mountain". Now, as a young lad of six, I was very much impressed by this, and my next query was "Who raised Mount Everest?". This question was received with much laughter and that left a lasting impression on my impressionable mind. Which was that one should never ask questions in the vicinity of elders, especially the kind who have mundane jobs and who have no source of entertainment other than laughing at young kids with impressionable minds. But then, I am, as always, careening away from the topic of hand, which is the demolition of buildings in and around Mumbai.

The demolition of buildings has caused quite a stir, as most politicians own some of these buildings. Correction, some politicians own most of the buildings. One can imagine the plight of the person in charge of demolition. Here he is, all gung-ho and full of enthusiasm to complete his quota of twenty Buildings Per hOur (bpo). (Hey, it's the Internet Age, you have to have trendy names for mediocre things too!)

Contractor : "Okay. Here we go. Get that bull dozer ready, we got to destroy this building on Plot 41, Site 23! Get the explosives! Get..."

Assistant : "Sir, we can't raze this building."

C : "Move the people out of the building. Get them to vacate their houses. Eh? What was that?"
A : "We can't demolish this building. It belongs to Dilasrao."
C : "Oh! Aah... Ahem. Why didn't you tell me that before. Okay, you bunch of lazies, get moving. Time's a wasting. Let's get to Plot 42, Site 23. Get the explosives! Get..."
A : "Ahem. Sir, that one belongs to Ramayan Pane."
C : "Ramayan who?"
A : "Ramayan Pane, Sir. The defector from Leave Sena"
C : "Aah... Strike that name off the list. Is there any building here which does not belong to any politician?"
A : "There is one such building, Sir. But it is not flouting any rules or regulations. It is a totally legal construction, their FSI is less than 1.5, they have the necessary land ownership papers, they have used high quality Dumb Uja cement..."
C : "Dumb Uja cement? Dumb Uja cememt! They have the gumption to use Dumb Uja in my precinct? I had given strict orders for everyone to use Gir la cement. That way, we can save on the money for demolition. The buildings fall down themselves. This will not do, get the bull dozers. We have a building to raze".

And so it goes. The contractor gets his 20 BPOs, at the cost of legal residents. The illegal residents are probably enjoying the utilities that Mumbai has to offer free of cost. Just because they are related to Dilasrao or Ramayan. The future of Mumbai is in safe hands, mind you. This is because, pretty soon, it is going to be rid of corruption. Corruption can exist when there are some law-abiding citizens, who are God-fearing and they pay their electricity and water and telephone bills on time. They are the ones who always buy tickets whenever they board a train, they are the ones who ensure that Mumbai struggles on forward. Once all of them are forced to leave Mumbai, there will be only corrupt people remaining and that in itself will be a source of hilarity. Consider this conversation :

Person 1 : "I have to get this contract passed"
Person 2 : "You will have to give me Rs. 10000 as a cut to get it passed"
P1 : "You will have to give me Rs. 20000 to ensure that you get that Rs. 10000 cut. I have a business to run. There are other people waiting in line."
P2 : "Okay. Do you accept cheques?"
P1 : "Cheques? Hell No! Have you lost it? I am going to lodge a complaint against you at the Corruption Bureau. How dare you offer an Honest, Corrupt Businessman a Cheque! This is an insult to the corrupt community."
P2 : "Please. I have my wife and neighbours kids to feed..."