Laws : Love - Hate Relationships

I HATE LAWS. No, I am not a law-breaking red-neck. I am not talking about the laws made by the puny humans to keep other miserable planet-fellows under control. I am talking about the laws of nature, the ones which govern each and every minute particle in the entire universe. My problem is specifically with the Law of Conservation of Mass.

Let me get a bit technical here. The Law of Conservation of Mass states that the absolute value of the tangent of the angle between the roof of your house and Maitri station in Antartica (or wherever it is that the Indians landed) is the root function of the inverse sigmoidal square root of the weight of the earth. For the non-technical people : this essentially means that the author has a knowledge of science which is numerically equal to ZILCH! Actually, it is somewhere in between zilch and a little more than zilch, but I know enough to understand what the Law of Conseration of Mass means. ( I asked my 17 year old nerd neighbour to explain it to me! )

What the nerd said has really amazed me. He said that basically, all the things in this universe are indestructible! Imagine! And my mother used to scold me in my youth for being a destroyer of so many things! So, he explained to me, that mass cannot be destroyed. It can only be converted from one form to another. This gave me an insight, which once I reveal to you, you are going to wonder why you didn't think of in the first place. But if you had been that intelligent, you wouldn't have been guessing the answer of 2 x 7, back when you were in school.

The insight I had is this. If mass can never be destroyed, then where does it go when someone loses weight? Huh? I will tell you where it goes! It goes in someone else's tummy! Yes! This is the truth. You were wondering all these years how you were putting on weight? Well, there is the explanation for that! And this insight made me think of an idea to improve the world as a whole by making myself rich! Here is what I plan to do.

I have been putting on a lot of weight recently for no apparent reason. So, I plan to read tomorrow's tabloid (very famous newspaper) and find out which celebrity has lost how many kilo gram of weight. I am sure they will include that data. They have the penchant for printing absolute rubbish that has absolutely no utility. So, if I find a celebrity who has lost EXACTLY the same amount of weight as I have gained, I will threaten him to start loosing weight myself, thereby ensuring that his efforts will be in vain. And that way, I can black-mail him to make myself rich. I realise that this is an unethical way to get rich, but I cannot help it. Life is not fair and even Nature will second my thoughts. Why else would I have gained weight without even hogging? Here's my daily diet :
Morning Breakfast : 2 cups of coffee, black, with 4 tea spoons of sugar
Two egg omelet, topped up with a full glass of milk and honey

Afternoon Lunch : Usually some form of read meat or chicken, preferrably the fried variety, with three servings of rice, around a dozen chappatis, give or take three. Lots of daal (protein intake!) and around 500 gram of salad

Evening snack : Two cups of coffee, black with 4 tea spoons of sugar
Repeat of breakfast, basically

Night Dinner : I usually have a light dinner, as advised by my dietician.
It consists of : Macher jhol (Fish curry, in Bengali), Pot Roast, Corn on the cob, along with an extra large serving of butter chicken, a steak which has been well done (I hate rare steaks!)
All this is I drain down my system with around a litre of alcohol in the rum form. Occasionally, if I feel like it, I have a double or a triple sundae. It depends on whether I am dieting or not.

As you can see, I live a hermit like life and no one can accuse me of putting on weight for lack of diet control or non-existence of exercise. Why, I actually walk all the way down the hall to fetch the paper every day, a distance in excess of twenty meters! Not to mention the amount of exercise I get shifting the couch daily, so that I can have it in front of the television where I like it.

The reason I said I have a love-hate relationship with Laws should be evident to you now. If it isn't, I guess you must still be wondering what 2 x 7 is. The reason is as simple as this : I hate Law of Conservation of Mass because it makes me fat and I love it because it is going to make me rich! Can't live with it, can't live without it!

By the way, 2 x 7 = 17.