I'm Back!

Hi everyone!

I know. I know. You guys are probably going to say : "What took you so long? Do you realise the gloom we were resigned to during your absence? You were gone for such a long time! A hiatus of two whole days!"

But guys (and gals, which I seriously doubt, considering all the things I've said about females!) who are reading my posts, I've got this to say for you : The good things in life don't come quick and easy. You've got to learn to wait. That is why, females don't condescend to spend time with us. (Those of you who are new to my blog and wondering why I am supporting women so much, read my earlier post titled, A Free Article)

So, as I mentioned earlier, I have shifted to the hostel. And I'd thought that my posts would be funnier. But here I am and I think I've been unable to make you laugh till this sentence. And I'm still unable to make up something funny, something that will make you laugh, roll on the floor laughing, which is why I'm writing such long sentences, in a hope to make you forget what I had started the sentence with! (Whew!)

So, here's a little something that ought to make you laugh. Unless you are member of PETA or WWF or SHSDTSJS. (Don't ask me what THAT means! Mew!)

Funny is Easy

Its very easy being funny. All you have to do is exaggerate something so much that people HAVE TO LAUGH. This is the reason my blog is so loved by all my readers! See what I mean?

So, anyway, over the period of one whole week, I have received no less than twelve comments for my blog. I mean, if that is not a record, what is? I think I should receive recognition from The Guinness Book of World Records just for this. Agreed, most of them were hate mail. At least as many as one email I received criticised me for my posts. But, I believe that any publicity is good publicity. So, females out there, send me as much hate mail as you can.

This week, I'm going to undergo a transitory phase in my life. I'm moving to Hostel 3 in IIT Bombay campus. And no, I don't need any advice about life in Hostels. I have experienced it first hand for four years during my undergraduate years. You can say that I'm going there for my second hand experience for my post graduate.

All this means that you will probably not hear from me for about a day or two, or maybe a week even! I will need some time to acclimatise myself to the IIT B Hostel system. And I will have to find out who to appease to get access to the computer room without having to wait in line. I know, you are probably thinking, "What am I going to do without Govindraj's posts for three days? Where will I get funny things to read? Woe is me!"
Relax. I'll be back! Besides, who knows, my posts may be funnier when I return to the source of all mirth, the hostel.

My School Days

As I was walking past the School building today, I recalled that around a zillion years ago (2334634272348 years, 6 months, 23 days and 10hours to be specific) I ceased being a student over there.

I walked into the campus, strolling around in its sylvan surroundings, soaking up the quiet ambience. Hey! What's the post about my Lakshadweep Holiday doing here? According to a directive of an Indian Court, no school shall produce a sound of intensity less than 140 decibels, and that is during regular lecture hours. Seriously! The amount of noise the kids were making was simply amazing. They would have to invent a new scale to measure the intensity. I now know why Nuclear tests aren't conducted near residential areas. They are probably afraid they will be unable to hear the detonation over the noise!

At a nuclear test site near a school (pure pandemonium)
Scientist A : How did it go?
Scientist B : What?
Scientist A : (Using sign language) How did it go?
Scientist B : It was good. (Sound of children running and fighting in the background) We could actually find out the time that school ends! We are planning to conduct tests after school hours.

Unfortunately for the Scientists, the kids are very clever. They probably have found out the EXACT timing the poor people are going to conduct the tests and will choose that specific time to play cricket and have arguments. The amount of noise made while playing this particular sport is about thrice as much as a nuclear explosion and about twice of that of some rock bands. So, the scientists will have to conduct their tests at a time when the kids are sleeping. This is why scientists in India prefer obscure places like Rajasthan to conduct their tests.

But nuclear tests is not what the article is about. Its about my school days. How I long for those days of simple life, where passing in all subjects was a given. And the person with the God status was usually the one who could chew three chewing gums at a time and make funny noises with his arm pits at the same time! Now, you guys are probably thinking that we were a bunch of misfits; a total give up. But we weren't bad academically. Why, one of my friends got as high as 53% in his annual exams.

Okay, we weren't exactly geniuses or anything, but we made it through school like the millions of other students do. And as I was roaming around the school, the final bell rang and at least that many students came rushing out of the exit and there was a near stampede situation. But I survived it, using my superb skills as an acrobat to catch hold of the watch man and hold him as a physical shield in front of me. It was only after I realised that the crowd had passed that I let the man go. Its not every day that you face a life and death situation.

As I exited the school campus, I saw a couple of nerdy, brainy looking guys signalling to each other and laughing at me. They were wearing strange type of white coats, with some insignia on them. I wonder who they could be...

A Free Article

I haven't had to think a lot for writing this particular blog.

I received voluminous amounts of hate mail for my earlier post, titled "Females and human misery". The amount was spectacularly mind boggling. On one day there was no comment and the next day there was ONE mail. An increase of INFINITE percent. I can't believe my blog has become so popular!

So, anyway, to summarise what the female mail (HA!) writer has said, I will for journalistic fairness present it over here :

Dear Mr. Umarji,

Just who the hell do you think you are? I am a member of the Society of Online Women (SOW) and we have taken serious note of your perpetration of rumours against the sisterhood. Blah blah blah... Just because your unintelligent life form is incapable of communicating, you keep on blaming us for being unable to read maps, taking a right turn after giving a signal for a left, blah, blah... We are considering suing you for your unasked for comments, you male chauvinist pig.

Regards,

Laila

Okay, fine. Her name was not Laila. But I can't help it. I like the name Laila. It has some fascinating quality about it, the words sort of roll around in your mouth. It has a beautiful meaning and it has only five alphabets in it, making it very easy to type. Try typing Laila, and you will understand. Way better than something like Cinderella or Aishwarya.

I hate to gloat, but I would like to take a minute out here to point out that their mail proves what I've been trying to say all the time. The fact that I receive such a hate mail for writing what I (and several other brothers (?)) think is a funny and humourous article is reason enough to say that women are unpredictable. But I'm afraid, I'm seriously afraid that they'll sue me for every buck I've got.

I agree that when it comes to communication, we males are duds. I mean, the rules and other stuff I've published is fine, but what we really need to look at is to be able to communicate better with the fairer sex. For example, I have noticed guys with their mouth gaping open when their girl friend is talking something (I realise that this could be due to lack of oxygen. Or their brain going into Stand by mode) But that is no excuse. You guys should learn to speak and let your opinions be known.



P.S. Now that I've written what you've asked me to, here's a question that's been troubling me to no end. Are you happy? Because you are so unpredicta.. OH NO! Not the Law Suit. Please. I'm sorry!

Telephone Disorder

The greatest mistake a parent can ever make (other than giving birth to a child in the first place) is to introduce it to the telephone. There's a saying that goes thus : "Parents spend the first three years of their child's life trying to get it to talk. And then spend the rest of their lifes trying to get it to stop talking!"
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not against telephones. Which other device enables you to wake some one up at three in the morning and ask him whether he was sleeping? There is simply no comparison of any other contemporary device with this boon.

I'm often disturbed by these instruments of communication. This morning for instance, I was engrossed deeply in thought, cleaning my ear with the end of my little finger in a sincere effort to come up with something funny to write in my blog. And I thought, "What better topic to write about than telephones!"
I was foraging about in my memory for a funny incident that had occurred with me, that involved telephones, all the while scratching furiously. And there it was : lying just next to the telephone, where I had least expected to find it. The earbud. This critical tool helped me clean my ear for better communication with any prospective callers.
So, there I was. Sitting patiently by the phone, waiting for a caller; maybe a person who dialled a wrong number and managed to get through to me. Just then, the phone rang.

Govindraj : Hello.

Caller : Hello. Is this the residence of Mr. Umarji?

G : Yes. This is Mr. Umarji speaking. And I'm speaking to? (Said in a very sweet voice. The caller was a female. There is this thing about females talking on the phone. All females sound GREAT on the phone. In real life however, they may be as dull as you are!)

C : I'm Laila. I'm calling you for a survey being conducted for the fertiliser industry.

G : Oh! So you are calling me because you know I'm an Environmental Engineer?

C : No, I'm calling you because I'm being paid Rs. 100 an hour to do so and you are on my list of numbers to be called and dealt with today. So, if you stop wasting my time, maybe we can get down to business.

At this point, I banged down the phone. I was hoping that the smashing of the phone would create a sonic wave that would travel through the phone line, erupting beside that female's ear, thereby deafening her. But then, as I realised later, she was probably deaf already. I hear the survey people are paid to be deaf to all those things that they don't want to hear.

Again, the bell rang. This time, bringing me out of my nose picking reverie.

G : Hello.
C : Mr. Umarji?
G : Who wants to know? (In an effort to be stylish)
C : I'm calling from Less Organised Sources of Entrepreneur Recruitment (LOSER) (Actually, I'm not sure if this was indeed what he said. It definitely sounded something similar.)
G : And you want to talk to me about?
C : It has been brought to our notice that you have a blog, which has its share of readers and we were wondering...
G : (Interrupting him) Oh! So, you want to recruit me as an Entrepreneur? Or a writer?
C : No. We want your permission to use your blog as a representative for our LOSERs, to show them how a blog should NOT be written.
BANG! (Sound of receiver on the hand set)

Third call. Third time lucky? I had certainly hoped so.

G : Yes? (Tired and resigned sounding)
C : I'm from the Community for the Protection and Upkeep of Harmless and Useful Telephone Receivers Against the Merciless Users of Telephone who have no regard for the Utility of the Phone and Keep on criticising it. (CPUHUTRAMUTUPK)
G : And you are calling for?
C: It has been brought to our notice that you have a tendency to bang down your phone receiver. This is intolerable. The next time you do that...
He was cut short by my banging down the receiver on him too.

You will probably say that some of the stuff written here has been made up in an effort to make the post funny. I have to accept that and divulge the truth. The name of the female who called me up for the fertiliser industry was Reema.

Tring... Tring...

The Publicity Thing

I'm surprised that a newbie like me could adapt so well to this blogging thing. Its not possible always that you get to do the thing that you love to do the most. And that too for free! And then, there is the added benefit of having a lot of free publicity by making comments about all sorts of people. I agree with the marketing people who say "Any publicity is good publicity".

Now, let me get one thing straight over here. I'm not into this blogging thing for publicity (Who am I kidding? ) When I started writing this blog, the only intention in my mind was to convey my inner thoughts to other people (Yeah, right!) And, of course, if I really wanted the attention that desperately, I would have placed a Google AdSense advertisement on my blog and tried to earn some money on the side (The only reason you didn't was that you couldn't figure out where to put the code)

Okay, fine. I'm into this for the attention I receive. But I'm not a desperate attention seeker. I mean, I wont mind if you look the other way when I'm continuing with my rambling about not being an attention seeker and other miscellaneous boring stuff, and making you read unreasonably long sentences, just because I can't think of anything funny to say. I wont mind at all if you look the other way.

HEY! STOP! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. At least read the whole blog! Please. I beg you.

Thank you.