Razing Buildings

The latest craze to hit Mumbai has been the drive to raze buildings to the ground. Now, the word raze is quite funny a word, because it sounds like raise. This can be the cause of a lot of confusion, not in India though, because demolishers don't speak English. The first time I had heard the word, it was in a sentence which went thus : "They razed the mountain". Now, as a young lad of six, I was very much impressed by this, and my next query was "Who raised Mount Everest?". This question was received with much laughter and that left a lasting impression on my impressionable mind. Which was that one should never ask questions in the vicinity of elders, especially the kind who have mundane jobs and who have no source of entertainment other than laughing at young kids with impressionable minds. But then, I am, as always, careening away from the topic of hand, which is the demolition of buildings in and around Mumbai.

The demolition of buildings has caused quite a stir, as most politicians own some of these buildings. Correction, some politicians own most of the buildings. One can imagine the plight of the person in charge of demolition. Here he is, all gung-ho and full of enthusiasm to complete his quota of twenty Buildings Per hOur (bpo). (Hey, it's the Internet Age, you have to have trendy names for mediocre things too!)

Contractor : "Okay. Here we go. Get that bull dozer ready, we got to destroy this building on Plot 41, Site 23! Get the explosives! Get..."

Assistant : "Sir, we can't raze this building."

C : "Move the people out of the building. Get them to vacate their houses. Eh? What was that?"
A : "We can't demolish this building. It belongs to Dilasrao."
C : "Oh! Aah... Ahem. Why didn't you tell me that before. Okay, you bunch of lazies, get moving. Time's a wasting. Let's get to Plot 42, Site 23. Get the explosives! Get..."
A : "Ahem. Sir, that one belongs to Ramayan Pane."
C : "Ramayan who?"
A : "Ramayan Pane, Sir. The defector from Leave Sena"
C : "Aah... Strike that name off the list. Is there any building here which does not belong to any politician?"
A : "There is one such building, Sir. But it is not flouting any rules or regulations. It is a totally legal construction, their FSI is less than 1.5, they have the necessary land ownership papers, they have used high quality Dumb Uja cement..."
C : "Dumb Uja cement? Dumb Uja cememt! They have the gumption to use Dumb Uja in my precinct? I had given strict orders for everyone to use Gir la cement. That way, we can save on the money for demolition. The buildings fall down themselves. This will not do, get the bull dozers. We have a building to raze".

And so it goes. The contractor gets his 20 BPOs, at the cost of legal residents. The illegal residents are probably enjoying the utilities that Mumbai has to offer free of cost. Just because they are related to Dilasrao or Ramayan. The future of Mumbai is in safe hands, mind you. This is because, pretty soon, it is going to be rid of corruption. Corruption can exist when there are some law-abiding citizens, who are God-fearing and they pay their electricity and water and telephone bills on time. They are the ones who always buy tickets whenever they board a train, they are the ones who ensure that Mumbai struggles on forward. Once all of them are forced to leave Mumbai, there will be only corrupt people remaining and that in itself will be a source of hilarity. Consider this conversation :

Person 1 : "I have to get this contract passed"
Person 2 : "You will have to give me Rs. 10000 as a cut to get it passed"
P1 : "You will have to give me Rs. 20000 to ensure that you get that Rs. 10000 cut. I have a business to run. There are other people waiting in line."
P2 : "Okay. Do you accept cheques?"
P1 : "Cheques? Hell No! Have you lost it? I am going to lodge a complaint against you at the Corruption Bureau. How dare you offer an Honest, Corrupt Businessman a Cheque! This is an insult to the corrupt community."
P2 : "Please. I have my wife and neighbours kids to feed..."

That's the way to do it, Gunners!

The Gunners have done what they do best : Score goals to silence the critics. All you doubting thomases out there who had thought that Arsenal have lost it, think again. Sure, we lack Vieira, our on the road performance has not been up to par (Arsenal were called "Kings on the Road" till just last year), but I believe that we will bounce back! Go, Gunners, Go!

Thierry Henry equalled Cliff Bastin's club record with a stunning hat-trick as Arsenal hit a magnificent seven against miserable Middlesbrough at Highbury. Henry struck twice in the first half and then equalled Bastin's total of 150 league goals when he raced on to a pass from Jose Antonio Reyes in the 68th minute.

Arsenal dominated the game and were 4-0 up at half-time thanks to Henry's brace and two other goals from Philippe Senderos and Robert Pires. Gilberto headed a fifth on the hour before Henry capped a scintillating display with his third. Alexander Hleb completed the rout five minutes from time as Arsenal equalled their previous best performance in the Barclays Premiership.

The last time the Gunners had struck seven without reply was against Everton last May and Middlesbrough simply had no answer as Arsenal dominated the game from the start. They signalled their intentions as early as the third minute when Gilberto's attempted pass to Reyes was deflected into the path of Freddie Ljungberg. His shot, from the edge of the penalty area, did not have the required power or direction to evade Brad Jones - selected in the Boro goal ahead of transfer-seeking Mark Schwarzer again - but it was a warning Middlesbrough should have heeded.

In the seventh minute, Arsenal were awarded a free-kick within Henry's shooting range after Matthew Bates had fouled Cesc Fabregas but the Frenchman's effort was not high enough to beat Boro's defensive wall. Bates was again the guilty party in the 11th minute when he felled Reyes on the edge of the penalty area but this time Henry's curling free-kick evaded the wall and grazed the outside of Jones' left-hand upright.

The breakthrough arrived in the 20th minute when Ljungberg's perfectly-measured cross from the right wing was powerfully volleyed beyond Jones by the waiting Henry for his 14th goal of the season. Seconds later Fabregas forced Jones to tip a 25-yard drive around the post as the home side tore into Boro. But Senderos added the second from the resulting corner when he rose unmarked to head Reyes' corner into the net from six yards.

In the 29th minute Arsenal underlined their superiority with a third goal and again it was skipper Henry who delivered it. Reyes supplied the ammunition and the deadly striker was left with just Jones to beat as the young Boro goalkeeper raced out of his area. Quick-thinking Henry elected to clip the ball past Jones before he could reach him to increase Arsenal's lead. With the game over as far as Arsenal were concerned, manager Arsene Wenger opted to replace Pascal Cygan with fit again England left-back Ashley Cole nine minutes before the interval.

Cole was back in action for the first time since he fractured a bone in his foot last October and his appearance was greeted by a huge cheer from the home supporters. Henry turned provided in the closing seconds of the first half when he provided the pass for Pires to curl a delightful shot into the top corner for Arsenal's fourth. In the 51st minute Henry should have completed a hat-trick but skied his shot over the crossbar from eight yards after Ljungberg had cut inside inside debutant Andrew Taylor and crossed low from the right.

In the 59th minute, Doriva was booked for a foul on Reyes and Arsenal scored their fifth goal seconds later when Gilberto headed home Henry's free-kick despite desperate attempts by Jones to keep the ball out of the net. Jones prevented Ljungberg from making it six in the 65th minute when he rushed out to stop the Swede from finishing off another clever move by the home side.

It was now just a question of whether Henry could equal Highbury legend Bastin's record - and the home fans did not have long to wait to celebrate as the Frenchman achieved the feat in the 68th minute by racing on to a pass from Reyes and firing past the hapless Jones. The afternoon took a further turn for the worse for Boro in the 73rd minute when Doriva was sent off for a second bookable offenceafter pulling back Henry.

Middlesbrough hit the crossbar in the 79th minute through defender Chris Riggott and Yakubu forced Jens Lehmann into his first save of the match from the rebound but Henry then turned provider in 85th minute by supplying the cross which fell kindly for Hleb to hit the seventh.

Original article available at http://www.espnstar.com/epl/epl_reportdetail_1550058.html

50th Post : Some good things to look forward to

This is my 50th post. I decided that instead of writing it myself, I put up something that I am really looking forward to : An Arsenal revival. Gunners Rule!

Wenger : Henry is key to the future.
Arsene Wenger declared that Thierry Henry's decision to commit his future to Arsenal could prove a turning point in the club's fortunes as he vowed to build a team around his captain. The Gunners manager was speaking ahead of the north London outfit's League Cup semi-final first leg away to Wigan on Tuesday night.

Wenger has used young players and reserves in the tournament until now but with a 24-point deficit on Chelsea in the league, the League Cup has taken on added significance at Highbury.

The Frenchman admitted that "negative vibes" had surrounded Highbury since the start of the season following the departure of Patrick Vieira and the team's slump in Premiership fortunes.

However, he revealed his determination to start talks with Henry "the quicker, the better" as he looked to transform Arsenal's season after such a big psychological boost.

Henry's declaration that he intended to see out the end of his career at Arsenal - provided the club prove they can match his ambitions - was followed by a 2-1 win against Cardiff in the FA Cup third round on Saturday.

Wenger duly paid tribute to his exciting young players, such as Robin van Persie and Jose Antonio Reyes, who have shown their rich promise, but he still hailed Henry as the foundation stone for the club's future.

The Arsenal boss declared: "We have young players developing very well and maturing quickly into great players.

"But they need to be surrounded by players of top class with experience. In the next three or four years, Thierry is, of course, the person who can do that. Can we build a team around him? Yes.

"It's an exciting period for the club and a difficult one as well. There's a lot of potential in the side but you don't know how quickly they will explode.

"I believe we can be a surprising team in the second part of the season. There were a lot of negative vibes around the club from the start of the season because Patrick Vieira left and because we didn't do as well in the Premiership as we are used to.

"So it's important we turn that around. Thierry is, of course, part of that. But we believe we will turn it around and we are a club with huge ambition."

Arsenal's win against Cardiff was achieved without Henry, who was rested along with Sol Campbell, Jens Lehmann and Cesc Fabregas, while Kolo Toure and Emmanuel Eboue were unavailable on international duty.

The big guns should be back for the trip to the JJB stadium against the season's big surprise package.

Article is from ESPN-Star Sports web-site and can be found at http://www.espnstar.com/epl/epl_newsdetail_1660407.html

Holidays and the Writer's Block

I have noticed that I have a tendency to start my blog articles with "I". And while some may argue that this is a sure sign of my egocentric tendencies, I differ on them on this account. And while it's true that everyone has a right to form his/her opinion, I have the right to call them dummies if the opinion is about me and people call me something I am not. I am not egocentric. Megalomaniac, maybe. But definitely not egocentric. How can you call me egocentric when I am involved in so many unselfish activities such as making people laugh, criticising Ganguly, staying at home and not venturing out to increase the crowd in trains, buses and roads in general. I hope the previous statement makes sense to you, because it does not make any sense to me, even after I've read it ten times.

I do not know about egocentric tendency but I do have a tendency to drift from what I want to start speaking about. Today I am going to try and speak about the mental block that develop s in my mind when I am having vacations. And I am going to try and limit the laissez aller (lack of restraint) of my brain on my fingers. I will try to prevent them from typing words such as paraskevidekatriphobia (fear of Friday the Thirteenth). In case you have not noticed, I am using long words but I am also giving their meanings within brackets. And in case you still have not noticed, I have drifted from the topic at hand. I like to believe that the reader does not realise that I stray because I have a commanding style of writing. But I know that the truth is that the reader is more interested in the links that appear elsewhere on the blog, giving one access to unlimited porn.

Anyway, so back to today's topic. Whenever I have a vacation, my mind is the first that goes into the holiday mood. This puts the rest of my body in a lurch, as it has to make important decisions such as "Should I scratch my armpit now? Or later?" on it's own. And of course, there is the important activity of writing my blog. I know that I do not always use my brain while doing this, but it is true that I need the brain to sign in to the publishing page. After that, my fingers take over and start typing things like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (a nonsense word which means fantastic). Sorry about that. That is what happens when your brain is not in the same pincode as your hands are. The writer's block is what has affected me, then and this has resulted in some really poor posts. This has been brought to my notice by as many as one reader.

Anyway, while on the topic of holidays, I'd like to cite a recent chat conversation I had with a pen-friend of mine who lives in Timbuktoo. Or is it Tibet? Anyway, she lives some place other than India, where I presume the leaders are slave drivers, who do not care about anything other than making themselves rich and enforcing whatever they write on others. (which is not quite different from what I do. But at least you can navigate away from this page whenever you want!) This statement I make from her revelation that the total number of holidays they have in a year is 70. Imagine that! Only 70 holidays. That would mean only 18 holidays other than the weekly off. That is indeed pathetic. Imagine the plight of that person if she comes to India.

Pen friend : I am really glad to be in India!
Me : Yeah. Me too. I sure am glad that you have come here on a holiday. That way I can spend some time with you!
PF : I wouldn't know about that. I have to be back in my country by day after tomorrow. I have had the hardest time of my life securing this holiday. I had to sacrifice two holidays in the next year for this one.
Me : Aah... That's too bad!
PF : Yeah, it is. Anyway, what holiday are you having now? I hope I am not making you sacrifice anything.
Me : No, no. Nothing at all. In fact, even if you would have come the next week, you would have found me free.
PF : Oh! But that would have depended on which day I would have arrived, wouldn't it?
Me : No. I am having the entire next week off.
PF : How so? Oh, your country clubs all it's holidays together? That is a great idea. I think I should suggest it in my country. However, if they (the leaders) do not like the idea, they will confiscate the rest of my lifetime's holidays!
Me : What a terrible thing to do! And no, my country does not club it's holidays together. I am allowed a total of 20 Casual leaves, 20 Sick leaves, around 30 days for a personal vacation and I can draw upon unused holidays from the previous year or the forthcoming five years

THUD! (Sound of PF fainting)

Again, I have strayed from the point at hand. I think this article is funny, though. I hope that my critic laughs so much that she falls off her chair. That would serve her right for criticising me in the first place!

New Year, New Resolutions

I am not a resolution kind of guy. I do not usually restrain myself from doing things that I know are not exactly correct. Like attending a rock concert without inebriating or stoning myself. Or turning up for a viva voce examination wearing a capri and a T-shirt that says : "If I cannot answer a question, it's a stupid question" Or going to somebody's wedding reception and wishing the bride and the groom a good married and sexual life. While this is not exactly appropriate, I do not find it embarassing. You people are probably thinking that I am a dork. Who goes around wishing people a good married life? Who are you kidding? It's totally tactless on my part to rub salt into the groom's wounds. It's bad enough that he has to get married in the first place and here is someone who is actually wishing him a "good" married life. But then, that is the sort of person I am. Which is : a no resolution kind of guy.

However, this year is different. Somehow, with it's onset, I found myself thinking. And since this is a rare event in itself, I thought some more and decided to stop thinking. I was getting dizzy. It happens when your mind is not used to receiving more than three thoughts an hour and here you are throwing around ten thoughts at it in a minute. As a result of this, my mind went into total overdrive, ordering my mouth to consume insanely large amounts of chocolate and ice-cream. So, I ended up destroying my resolution before it even started. The thought that had initiated my mind-bending, mind-boggling, thought reeling, imaginary brain spin was that I had resolved to eat less sweets this year.

All you foodies out there probably know about this. Thinking about dieting and exercising can be so depresssing, who would want to actually go out there and do it? The thought itself is scary, enough to send you into a chocolate chomping tizzy. It does that to me every so often. However, seeing that my belly has the diameter of an oversized Volvo truck tire, I sincerely need to do something about my current state of affairs. So I have decided to lay off the good stuff for a while. I am sure that I will be able to resist the urge to umm.... that tastes so nice. Cadbury sure knows how to make chocola... I mean Dabur sure knows how to make Chyawanprash. Kindly overlook the typo, will you?