Career Counselling

I was recently called to give a talk about how to ace in CAT and GATE by my juniors at my alma mater. For those who do not understand Greek, let me tell you that alma mater is derived from the Latin words (or is it French?) alma, meaning "something" and mater, meaning "only the Greeks can understand"

Again, for the ignorant masses that roam around the internet, having no aim but to jump from blog to blog, here's an explanation as to what CAT and GATE mean. CAT is a fuzzy, furry animal whose sole aim in life is to regard it's owner with disdain until it is time for it to be fed. Whereas GATE is the thing that moves on it's hinges and serves an important function of preventing dogs and salesmen from entering your premises. And the dodos who believe what I just said are no better placed than the ones who had turned up to attend my talk about these competitive exams. (That is what CAT and GATE are, you dummies!)

So, there I was, at my old college, reminiscing the days I spent there. I have many memories associated with the place. The joy of learning new things, the joy of falling for the new girl in the class, the horror of realising that she is in fact the Dean's niece and many other things. And then there was the incident involving me and a couple of my friends. But I would like to refrain from writing it down here for the fear of letting the world know that it was we who did it! I think there is still a reward in the college for the person who comes up with information about the "Dean is a goon" scandal. Me and my friends, however, are safe because nobody, repeat, nobody, knows that we were the ones who painted those very words on to his niece's folder! Even now, I have nightmares that I have been caught for that particular misdeed. I shudder to think what would have happened to us if we had been caught. We could have been expelled. Worse, we could have been expelled after being forced to write "I will not paint "The dean is a goon" on the folder of the dean's niece" a thousand times on all the black-boards of the university. Now you guys know why Engineers are such good writers. We have undergone severe training. This is very much unlike the training that students of medicine undergo. They spend their time learning worthless things such as the size of the human stomach, how to cure cancer and AIDS, how to destroy SARS while their fingers slowly develop atrophy and consequently, their handwriting looks like some insect has been mauled over the paper!

So, anyway, now that you have forgotten the objective of this article, here's a reminder. I was talking about the lecture I gave at my alma mater. Actually, it's about the lecture I almost gave. There was a large crowd gathered outside the auditorium where I was supposed to speak. At first I thought that some sort of freebies were being distributed there. That was the only time me and my friends were to be found together in the college in such huge numbers. But, as I later realised, these people had come there to listen to me! At this point, I had a realisation. That the juniors were more "career-oriented" than I could ever hope to be. And another, more pressing realisation that the car that had brought me here was waiting with the motor running and I could make a dash for it anytime I wished. And that is what I did.

I had almost made it. The moment I was going to jump inside through the door, a strong pair of hands pulled me out physically from the car. At first, my thoughts were muddled. I thought this was all a bad dream and that I was going to wake up and find that I was late as usual for my lecture back here at IIT Bombay. But then, someone pinched me, and I was still there in my old college, with no place to run. I was forcefully taken to the stage and a mike was forced into my hands. I looked around the crowd for some known face, someone who could provide me some moral support. But all I got from the crowd was serious stares, with a look that said, "If you don't tell me what I need to know to get into IIT/IIM I am going to smash your head with the dean's niece's sandal!" Now, this put me in a fine pickle, because what the crowd didn't know was this : I got admission to IIT B because the cousin of the daughter of a friend's cousin sister twice removed is the son-in-law of the great-grandfather's nephew of the cousin brother of Sachin Tendulkar. No wait. I think it is someone related to Dr. Manmohan Singh. But you get the gist. And there was no way I could reveal this to the crowd here. So, I did the next best thing. I fainted.

When I awoke, there were a few hopeful students still standing there. A few asked me about my health. Some sought tips about appearing for the exams and the kind of questions to expect and the type of preparation to be put in. And there were the guys who had the nerve to ask me for the address of the cousin of the daughter of a friend's cousin sister twice removed who is the son-in-law of the great-grandfather's nephew of the cousin brother of Dr. Manmohan Singh. I was loathe to give them that address, seeing as in I am probably going to require that person's help again if I am to escape writing "I will not paint "The dean is a goon" on the folder of the dean's niece" a thousand times on all the black-boards of the university.