The Problem of Humanity

The problem facing all of humanity, and I say this based on my impeccable qualifications of being a person with nothing better to do than write blog articles, is that of, hold your breath, shaving! Yes! All of the major disputes that men have can be traced to a bad shave in the morning. Nothing irritates the male brain (Yes, such a thing does exist) as much as the sting of the perspiration on the cut that he has inflicted on himself while trying to shave and brush his teeth simultaneously, while concurrently polishing his shoes. (Talk about multi-tasking!)

For those who don't know what I am talking about (read : Females), here's a basic lowdown on the art and science of shaving.

Wash your face.
Look in the mirror.
Debate over whether to shave or not.
Damn the shave. I'm late for office.
Return to bathroom because mother / sister / wife / neighbour's wife or any female grimaces at the way you look. (Point to be noted : males shave because of females)
Wash face once again.
Apply shaving cream and make a Santa Claus of yourself.
Start shaving while mother / sister / wife / neighbour's wife gives you expert advice about what style of beard will suit you.
Remember that your boss was due in early today.
Nick yourself in atleast three different places and use atleast three different swear words each time.
Now comes the worst part : After shave lotion!
Ooh! Aah! Ouch! Eeeeeeks! Help! Help! Help!
Suffer from bad mood the whole day.

And so it goes. The male has to suffer the trauma of having to shave at least once a week lest the suave and uptown society will take him to be a neanderthal person, who has no manners, talks loudly in public, yawns with his mouth open and has a hairy face. Once the person has done shaving though, they no longer think of him this way. Now he is a neanderthal person, who has no manners, talks loudly in public, yawns with his mouth open and is clean shaven. What a difference that makes!

Coming back to the topic at hand, i.e. that of the problem of humanity. Most of the world's leaders, sportsmen, media people, lingerie manufacturers, and others have often been caught on their bad "hair" days. They have been misquoted... correction, they have been quoted, and correctly quoted, about their feelings about the increasing world hunger, the role of drugs in sports, the coverage of live events, the increasing problem the industry is facing due to increase in breast implants which consequently results in them having to manufacture larger and larger brassieres, which nobody purchases anyway, because they are kept in the extra large section where no females are to be found. All the females consider themselves to be in the "small" size fraction. At the best, they can be medium. A woman wouldn't want to be caught dead browsing in the large section at any garment store. The male equivalent of this would be getting caught buying a book titled "The offside rule explained for dummies". Yes, we males are really good at spotting offsides, especially if they are in favour of the team that we are supporting. Most of the times the linesman does get the calls right. But occasionally, he might get it wrong due to some reason, such as his wife having asked him to keep a french beard when in actuality he wanted to sport a goatee.

The reason I am writing all of this should be plainly obvious to all by now. I had a really bad shave this morning. And though I had intended to write about the actual problem of humanity and my solution to it to unite the world and bring world peace (whatever that means. Go ask the Miss Universe / World contestants) However, I started writing about this problem. Shaving could indeed be the reason for the unrest in the world. Other reasons could be poor organisation, lack of planning, dearth of food, religious intolerances, poor memory, etc. etc. I wonder what I have been talking about in this article. Please send me a reminder. I will get back to you after I apply the after shave lotion.

Ooh! Aah! Ouch! Eeeeeeks! Help! Help! Help!

Rain and associated Maladies

The funny thing about rain (other than the fact that it rhymes with pain) is that there is always someone who manages to get the prediction right and then keeps harping about it for the rest of her/his life. Take for instance the people who had gotten the prediction for 26th July, 2005 right. These are the people who claim they knew beforehand about the existence of a 15km high or wide or long cloud over Mumbai. And then they will keep on repeating "I told you to take your umbrella along".

I am a student of Environmental Engineering and after two semesters of training, I can say this with certainty about rain : It's unpredictable! No, seriously, when somebody asks me about the unpredictability of the rain and the reasons for the same, alarm bells start ringing in my head. I realize that I am probably going to be dragged into the "is industrialization / vehicular pollution / increasing population / reservation / etc etc. the reason for the unprecedented rainfall variations"
People have their own opinions and they will go to any extents to defend them and I am not ruling out legal lawsuits, knives and guns.

Lawyer : "Your honour, the defendant refused to accept my client's point of view, thereby causing him inhuman depression and irreversible mental damage. He now thinks that he is the President of India and that he is the brains behind India's Nuclear Program."

Judge : "Is that true?"

Client : "Yes it is. And now if you permit me, I have to leave. I have a meeting with Dr. Kakodkar. The Americans have delayed the Uranium consignment...."

Judge : "I sentence the defendant guilty and direct him to pay the client a sum of $ 20 million in damages"

As is plainly obvious, I would rather accept the other person's point of view than the punitive damages (not that I have $ 20 million on me, but hey! why take risks?) So, I make some weird noises, as if I am suffering from stomach trouble and this causes sufficient alarm in most social circles for these opinionists to keep away from me. I am sure they are moving around in other circles saying that my stomach troubles are the cause of increased methane in the atmosphere and that as a precautionary measure against increase in the greenhouse effect, the government should take preventive action, such as denying me the right to purchase proteinaceous foods.

But then, I am deviating from the principal topic at hand. Which by now you have forgotten. So here's a reminder. I was talking about the pain from the rain. When the rains arrive, they bring with them a host of problems : viral fevers, colds, coughs, pregnancies (Not really, but I am sure that caught your attention! ;-)) Not to mention delayed trains, buses, deliveries (I am talking about transportation and courier people, not pregnant women, you moron!) Anyway, so that is what I want to say about the rains. And in case you disagree, I am already off the proteinaceous foodstuffs, so please don't sue me!

W. E. D.

Contrary to popular belief, this article is not about the institution of marriage. It's about the World Environment Day. (For once, I did not have to come up with a funny acronym!) As usual, the World Environment Day came and went by without anyone noticing it. Okay, there was the occasional spurt on the telly about the W. E. D, but in general, it was given as much attention as the spread of the bubonic plague on Antartica.

Reporter : This is Mr. "Freezing to Death" Ramamurthy reporting from Antartica. Recently, an outbreak of the dreaded bubonic plague has hit this frozen continent, forcing all the mammals residing here to go on an indefinite hunger strike against the reservations.

Newsreader : We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties. We will be back with Mr. Ramamurthy as soon as possible.

Thanks to the reservation issue hogging so much of the limelight, we have been spared the agony of listening to appalling headlines such as plague in antartica, ozone layer gone over the poles, India losing another one-dayer (okay, that is old news, but hey! the channels like to regurgitate), kangaroos dying in Australia, Tigers disappearing from Sri Lanka (not the LTTE, you moron!) and other such non-essential and miscellany that could hardly affect our lives in any conceivable manner. Who cares what happens in the jungle, as long as the 8:15 local is on time and I make it to the office before my boss does?

Coming back to W. E. D., it's seriously high time we took up the cause of the environment. It is the environment that gives us so much, right from the potatoes for the wafers to the potatoes for wafers! I mean, isn't the environment the source of all the good things in life? We get coffee beans, cocoa beans and many other beans (including bean laaden) from nature. Without the plethora that Mother Nature has to offer, life as we know it would be quite mundane and uneventful. We wouldn't have stories about people being mauled by bears, bitten by snakes, eaten by piranhas, etc, etc. It is definitely important to preserve these species to add some zest and spice to our daily news.

News Reader : We are back online. Mr. Ramamurthy, what is the status of the plague in the Antartica?

Mr. Ramamurthy : Currently, the spread of the plague is quite rapid and we are seeing some wild antartica foxes huddled together, in what seems a meeting to decide the cure for the reservation issue that is currently troubling them. Correction, it seems that they are huddled together as a measure against the cold. But what the heck, they seem to be...

News Reader : We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties again. In other news, Mr Arjun S. said that blah blah blah
(News Room Director : Get that Ramamurthy back here and post him to outside Mr. Arjun's house!)

As I said, W. E. D. came and went and nobody noticed. Not that my article made any amends by talking about it in any detail, but at least I made a sincere attempt! You gotta give me credit for that! Pretty soon, because of the global warming and the associated problems, we are going to have to live in Antartica. Mr. Ramamurthy and his reserved animals are waiting for us.