Air Pollution issues

I am a nervous man. So would you be if you were aware of the inside dope on air pollution control from one of the most accurate sources of news this country has ever seen. Oh yes, I am talking about none other than the Navi Mumbai Chronicler, that investigative and upfront newspaper which has to its credits exposés such as "Excessive cow methane production linked to reduction in mango crop", "Anti-quota MP found to be high on alcohol" and "Sehwag can be the best batsman in the world: Chappell".

As I said, I am a nervous man. Because the world authority on air pollution control, Free Air from Resins and Toxins [F. A. R. T.] has recently declared their intention to have a ban on personal emissions. Here's what the NMC reports:
FART Spokesperson: We have come to realize that the world's population is slated at 6 billion and that within twenty years this is expected to reach twenty gazillion. Do not ask us what our sources are for such extreme figures, just be content to know that the amount of greenhouse gases that people are releasing are about twenty thousand times those coming from the animal husbandary sector. We have taken a very serious note of this. We plan to approach the UN and ask them to impose restrictions on human emissions. And since we came up with this idea, we expect to receive twenty percent of fines levied on any erring humans"

For all the non-technical people out there, what this boils down to is this: you are not going to be able to have any kids. No, seriously. I can explain. What the FART means by personal emissions is basically farts. The gaseous ones and not the organization. And since they are going to levy heavy fines on misdemeanours in the gaseous regime, what it means for you, the common man, is that of you fart in excess of three times a day, you could be in for a fine of $100 per fart in excess of your daily quota. This is why I am nervous. As a country, we are, well, for the want of a better word, a fartastic country. Really, according to latest reports from FART we stand second in the world with the dubious distinction of the first place going to China. Another place where we are beaten by them!

Anyway, as usual, instead of explaining why you cannot have kids because of FART, I have digressed and started talking about China. Its funny how these Chinese interfere with our country so much. Just a few days ago, I heard that they wanted Arunachal Pradesh to be a part of China as opposed to being a state of India as it currently is. Pretty soon, we are going to face a situation wherein we are bargaining for our states and capitals with the Chinese. That apart, since the average person is prone to gaseous discharges at least ten times a day, that means a daily penalty of at least $ 700 per person. That is why, we must now think on the lines of gas conservation or alternately, gas utilization. What this means is that we should look at gas as an alternate energy source. I am thinking on the lines of cars running on gas. For the Americans: please note that gas here does not mean petrol.

Our country is therefore on the verge of financial ruin and can all this can be blamed on the ubiquitous Raajma. I am therefore earnestly requesting each and every Indian to heed this warning and consume less and less of those dangerous proteinous beans. Never mind if the farmers are lead to economic ruin and are forced to commit suicides. If they are not forced to suicide, this will lead to people holding their farts in and explosions all over the country, which will lead to even more deaths than if the farmers were allowed to jump / hang / whatever peacefully.

Amen to that!